Tag Archives: love

A Real Love Calculator

Remember those quizzes in the teen magazines? Now we have fancy Facebook apps and random Google Ads promising to tell us what type of lover we and if we’re compatible at all. We don’t really need a love meter, a quiz or even a love calculator to find out if you’re really in love… just ask yourself the following questions based on a wonderful definition of love from 1 Corinthians 13.

1. Are you patient with your partner?

2. Are you kind to them?

3. Do you envy anything about them?

4. Do you put them down to build yourself up?

5. Do you put them first in everything… or just yourself?

6. Do you find yourself getting very angry with them at a moments notice?

7. Do you keep a record of things they’ve done wrong to you in your mind?

8. Do you enjoy it when they suffer?

9. Would you do anything to keep them safe?

10. Do you trust them completely? Or do you have your doubts about their faithfulness?

11. Looking into the future, do you see great things ahead or just a bunch of drama?

12. Are both of you the type to keep loving one another even when things are the greatest in your relationship or life?

Now that you’ve answered these questions… put your name in the following blanks and see if this statement feels true in your life.

(Name) is patient. (Name) is kind. (Name) does not envy. (Name) does not boast or brag. (Name) is not stuck on him/herself. (Name) is not rude. (Name) is not self-centered or self-seeking. (Name) is not easily angered. (Name) keeps no record of wrongs. (Name) does not enjoy the suffering of others. (Name) is comfortable with the truth. (Name) will protect, hope for, and stick with those he/she loves.

Now that is a love quiz.

How did you do? What, if anything, was challenging to you? Post your thoughts in the comments.

Helping Your Wife Through A Bad Day

Have you ever been in a situation where your wife is having a bad day and everything you try to do to help doesn’t help at all? I think every husband who cares about the wellbeing of his wife has.

I’ve found that when my wife is having a bad day it’s typically because of one of the following reasons:

  1. She’s not feeling well.
  2. She’s stressed.
  3. She feels bad about herself.
  4. She’s bored or feeling trapped.

My default response it to try to “fix” her bad mood by offering advice and trying to talk her out of it. This has never worked, but until recently it’s all I knew how to do. Even when I offered a fix that included time away or a nap, I would find that even if she accepted my offers, it didn’t always help the issue.

Lately I’ve found that the best thing I can do for my wife is to get her to talk about what is bothering her. Sometimes it takes a bit of pestering on my part to get her to open up. Especially if she feels silly or stupid about the issue. When she does begin to talk, I sit and listen. I do not offer advice. I have plenty… but I keep it in my mind like a check list for later. I limit my responses to phrases that show my interest and sympathy. Ninety-nine percent of the time just her talking about what is bothering her helps her day turn around.

The advice that I’ve stored up then becomes my mental to-do list. So rather than offering up promises of things that I will do to make life better for her, I instead begin doing them and/or offering to.

Try it out and see if your wife’s day doesn’t turn around.

An Attempt To Thank A Supportive Wife

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When trying to describe the amazing job my wife does in supporting me… I would have liked to use an analogy. Nothing I came up with really said what I was trying to say.

She keeps me uplifted and where I’m supposed to be… just like a good bra.

She helps me in my daily walk… like a Dr. Sholes shoe insert.

She keeps me straight… like a retainer.

Like a neck brace… she keeps my head on straight.

She helps me take things slow when I should… like a speed bump.

Like a Jr. High yearbook photo… she reminds me of how far we’ve come.

She keeps me focused… like a locker room peephole.

She keeps me motivated… like a pound bag of Peanut M&M’s.

And last, but not least…

Like a glass of water from Mexico… she helps me get rid of my crap.

None of these things do her justice. She is truly amazing. I know that not only am I a better person because of her… but that my life, and every other life she shares hers with, is a better life for it. Literally, opportunities would not otherwise be a possibility without her with me. She is a close rival for 1st place in my heart… the only one who beats her is The One who gave her to me.

Thanks Jenn.

Things I Love About My New Son

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He’s still fairly new. We’ve only had him for a year and a half. Before I had children I guess I imagined that babies were pretty much devoid of personality. When you see them with their parents out and about they’re either crying or staring at you blankly. Boy was I wrong.

I’ve been spending a lot of extra time with my kids lately… and really bonding with the boy like never before. I thought I’d sit down today and write up a list of things I really think are great about him so far.

  1. He loves Buzz Lightyear.
  2. He’s good with his hands. A born button pusher.
  3. I love watching him notice cause and effect.
  4. He gets happy about the simplest things… like seeing me.
  5. He loves to run and shout.
  6. He likes all my geek stuff. Bobbleheads and the like.
  7. He’s super photogenic.
  8. He’ll eat almost anything… except bread. He’s a walking Atkins Diet.
  9. He’s a sweetheart. It’s great that I’ll have two kids who care about others.
  10. He has a great smile. He sets his teeth in a funny way when he smiles hard.
  11. He’ll sit in my lap for a long time just to watch me play video games.
  12. He adores his older sister.
  13. He looks good in a t-shirt and jeans.
  14. He’s already a hard worker and a great helper.
  15. He grunts like an old man when he picks up something heavy.
  16. He’s quiet in the car. He’s busy watching outside. I used to do the same thing.
  17. I love his nickname, Dunder.
  18. He’s good climbing and descending stairs. One less thing to worry about.
  19. He gives great high-fives.
  20. He’s brave on slides and loves to swing high on the playground.

How To Put Your Spouse First

This is something I’m working on more and more each day. See, I tend to be a selfish person. I think at our core most of us would have to say the same thing. We prefer being served over serving others for example.

In every situation I’ve been asking myself this question to help me be better at putting my wife’s needs above my own:

What do I want? Give that to her!

Simple… but very hard to do. For instance… we’re going out to eat. I have a place I want to go to… so does she… but they’re not the same place. I can fight for what I want… or I can give her what I want. It’s different than giving in… or losing. It’s a chance for us to willingly provide for the other person what we want ourselves.

I hear this giving thing comes back around. Plant a good seed and good things grow. I’m looking forward to that.

What do you do to help from being to selfish in your relationship? Post your thoughts in the comments.

A Selfless Marriage Trains Your Children

They're Watching Us... Learning

One of the greatest benefits of selflessness in a marriage is the example it gives to others. When those others are living in the house with you, share your last name, and look like the both of you (aka your children) the impression is far greater than we can imagine.

Here’s a fact. Children will grow up, and if they marry, they will choose someone exactly like their father (boys) or mother (girls). I have seen this trend almost without exception. Even in the case where the father was absent. I blame traits passed on from mother to daughter in that case. If mom picked badly, daughter will learn that from mom.

If we want our kids to have a great marriage, we’ve got to model it for them. Dads… want your daughter to choose a great guy? Be a great man! What your son to learn how to treat his wife? Model that behavior by treating his mother with respect (and demanding he do the same).

Seems like a lot of work. Not really. If we can focus on being selfless, sacrificial spouses, as the Bible says, “All these things will be added unto you.” Being a great natural example is a side-effect of a great marriage.

Men, when we love our wives properly, we’re teaching our sons how to do it and our daughters what to demand. Wives, when you love your husband properly you’re teaching your sons that inner goodness is rewarded, not an outward image and your daughters that a lasting love is the only thing worth giving herself to.

Comments? Feedback? Is anyone even reading this crizzle? Leave a comment for the love!

Sacrificial Love

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I’m learning more and more that getting along with a spouse is less about compromise and more about sacrifice. Compromise means neither person really gets what they want or need from the situation. The goal is to keep the peace and make the issue go away. Sacrifice means someone is giving up what is good for them for the good of the other. Ouch.

Compromise happens when both are to selfish to give the other what they want. The result is no one is happy. No one has their needs met completely and the marriage begins a downward spiral where both spouses are passively positioning themselves to recover lost emotional resources.

Sacrifice means that someone in the relationship has got to be the most willing to stuffer for the other’s good. I’m not talking about a spineless person who always gives in and hates it the entire time. Sacrifice is willingly and lovingly giving up your rights… and that changes everything.

In the Bible the concept of sacrifice is perfectly summarized, “I will not sacrifice to the Lord that which costs me nothing”. Sacrifice isn’t sacrificial unless it costs. When it’s done right, it’s one of the ultimate displays of love.

Not all sacrifices are huge. The little ones are often the most hard to do anyway. Going to Panera with the wife instead of dragging her to Red Robin. Taking the kids on the weekend mornings so she can sleep in. Doing more than your share of housework.

Another concept I’d like to expose you to, “You can’t out-give God”. The idea is that you can never go wrong giving time, finances, etc to God because He is always giving beyond what we could ever repay. I think wives are the same way. I know for a fact that I can’t out-give Jenn. My sacrifices pale in comparison to the things she has given up over the years to make our family work. Not to mention the daily sacrifices. Countless. I owe her my best. I will love sacrificially.

The Foolish Farmer (To Get Love, Give Love)

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There was once a Farmer. A foolish man indeed.
He was angry at his crops for staying in their seeds.
He needed food so badly; himself, his wife, and daughter.
The plants refused to grow so he refused them any water.
— James Kennison

I wrote that up to illustrate how the Golden Rule applies to marriage. Firstly, what is the Golden Rule? Do to others what you would have them do to you. Or you could say, treat others how you want to be treated. In the context of marriage you’d say, love your spouse the way you want them to love you.

How many spouses who need to be loved by a husband or wife are like that Farmer? Like the Farmer wants food from a plant he won’t water, they hold back their love and will only give it on the condition that their spouse loves them first. Our goal may be to show a spouse it feels… to give them a taste of their own medicine… but in doing so we’re actually robbing them of the resources they need to even consider giving love in the first place.

If you’ve been holding back hoping to show a souse how it feels… consider changing your tactic and incorporating the Golden Rule into your relationship. Give before it’s given. Treat the other how they should be treating you. Love them how you want to be loved by them. It’ll take time to see the results, just like a seed takes time to grow and produce fruit. Just don’t expect fruit from a seed you won’t water.