GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Many of you have been requesting a JennaCast… maybe we’ll do one this week.

What do you do when your kid freaks out in public? How do you handle it? Jenn and James provide practical parenting advice and tips to help parents deal with outbursts in public.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

I promised I’d link to some Discipline resources:

8-Part Mini-casts Series on Discipline

• Part 1 – Proper Discipline
• Part 2 – Why We Don’t Discipline
• Part 3 – Requirements & Rules
• Part 4 – Enforcement
• Part 5 – Consequences
• Part 6 – Rewards
• Part 7 – Key Concepts
• Part 8 – Proper Relationships

also Children’s Ministry Monthly Episode 2 – Discipline

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Email or call in today for our next show!

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Email or call in today for our next show!

Jenn and James ask one another 5 random questions and 3 Nerd or Geek related questions. Hilarity ensues.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Have you ever been in a situation where your wife is having a bad day and everything you try to do to help doesn’t help at all? I think every husband who cares about the wellbeing of his wife has.

I’ve found that when my wife is having a bad day it’s typically because of one of the following reasons:

1. She’s not feeling well.
2. She’s stressed.
3. She feels bad about herself.
4. She’s bored or feeling trapped.

My default response it to try to “fix” her bad mood by offering advice and trying to talk her out of it. This has never worked, but until recently it’s all I knew how to do. Even when I offered a fix that included time away or a nap, I would find that even if she accepted my offers, it didn’t always help the issue.

Lately I’ve found that the best thing I can do for my wife is to get her to talk about what is bothering her. Sometimes it takes a bit of pestering on my part to get her to open up. Especially if she feels silly or stupid about the issue. When she does begin to talk, I sit and listen. I do not offer advice. I have plenty… but I keep it in my mind like a check list for later. I limit my responses to phrases that show my interest and sympathy. Ninety-nine percent of the time just her talking about what is bothering her helps her day turn around.

The advice that I’ve stored up then becomes my mental to-do list. So rather than offering up promises of things that I will do to make life better for her, I instead begin doing them and/or offering to.

Try it out and see if your wife’s day doesn’t turn around.

Inspired by a Sunday comic, James and Jenn talk about the different expectations they have for and the different ways they raise their first and second child.

GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

We’re back! Jenn and James talk about adjustment to Florida living, the Christmas holiday and a book called Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus.

Update: Here’s that link to the Christmas story I wrote: The Very Last Room.

Sponsor: GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

What do you do when your baby pukes out his last three meals all over your wife?

You take the baby and let her run to the restroom!

And if you’re Sam Lussier, with who’s family we were having a delightful lunch, you take a picture of it!

I got major points for the way I swept in and saved the day, allowing her to go and clean herself up. Those points are pointless however now that I’ve posted this photo.

The other day I took my family to a local park so the kids could get out some energy. Our new apartment isn’t well suited for it really.

We hadn’t been there long when seemingly from no where a group of 35-40 teens gathered in the center. There was an energy in the air. I noticed they were all focused on a couple of young men. It’s been nearly 20 years since I’ve been in High School… but I still remember what it looks like when a fight is about to break out.

This was no ordinary fight though. There were tons of teens around. No one was trying to step in or talk the boys out of it. Even when punches starting being thrown no one stepped in like I remember kids doing. I jumped on my phone and punched in 911 and was routed to the police department.

I screamed out, “Hey Morons! I’m calling the cops!” To which some random watcher near me responded, “So.” I did my best to describe to the officer what was going down and why I was concerned. The fight did end and the crowd started to walk away quickly as word got spread that some guy had called 5-0.

Most of them walked right past me and glared. One girl said, “Why do people always call the cops?” another boy shouted, “I bet you feel all hard dontcha?” I didn’t. I felt stupid but I had to do something. I can’t sit by and watch that go on without a proper response. My daughter and son are to precious to have a bunch of thug kids take over their park and show them that violence goes without consequences.

I was left with a few questions in my mind.

1. Are there really 35-40 families who don’t care where their teens are at 5pm on a Monday?

2. “Why do people always call the cops?” she said. How many fights like this have you been to?

3. What happened to a basic respect for adults… or at very least adults with pre-school children nearby.

4. How many of the kids in that group would call themselves Christians… but did nothing, said nothing… and never even thought twice about it.

God help us.

We’re thankful for only 10 things each. Here they are.

Sponsor: GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

While packing our house I have realized (yet again) that my wife and I think differently. Not only that, but we think differently from two different perspectives… even when we have the same goals. This isn’t because we’re two different people (it’s not a personality clash for once), it’s because we have two different roles.

Her role is the organizer. It’s her job to keep the family working during this entire process. She wants to keep us comfortable and herself sane. My role is the loader. It’s my job to do the heavy lifting and get everything from here to Florida in one piece. This translates into one person who wants everything in a box and every room cleared out… and another person who wants to keep a lot of stuff right where it is till the last moment.

This is more than about moving… It’s given me a chance to think back to past conflicts and wonder how many of them were not because of some huge, deep-seeded issue, but rather just because we had two different jobs to do.

Jennifer is a Mother, for instance. She has a different role with the kids than I do. She handles them differently than I would… but that doesn’t make her wrong. We both have the same goals, to raise great kids, but we have different parts to play in that goal. We’re not always going to be working together to see our goal reached. If it really takes two to make things go right, it takes two perspectives as well.

If two people have the same goal, there is no reason they can’t find a way to come alongside one another, even though their roles differ, to have harmony in the process. An added bonus would be to have those two roles not only accomplish the task, but benefit and enhance the other’s role as well.

In the case of our move, giving each person a chance to represent and explain their perspective can go a long way. Understanding how the other person sees things, rather than simply defending your own view, can relieve tensions and build unity. Our roles in the move appeared to be in opposition to one another. This created conflict, but once we explained our views and understood one another, a compromise was possible.

Compromise doesn’t always mean nobody gets what they want. Sometimes it means you adopt a little of the other’s way of thinking as your own. You realize that your perspective was a bit to limiting and you weren’t 100% right. A perfect compromise is when both parties do this.

So in the end… I’m going to get to pack up more than I would have… and she’s going to be able to keep out more than I had wanted… and it’s all good.

Jenn and James answer some followup questions about their move and offer advice on wedding locations and budgets.

Sponsor: GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Join James on Likaholix (currently in private beta). Click here for an invite!

Jenn and James finally spill the beans on the Major Life Change that they’ve been keeping secret for so long.

Sponsor: GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

Having young children means I have to keep them busy. When I’m keeping them busy, it’s usually at places where there are other parents trying to keep their own kids busy. All those kids and all those parents means I get to see a lot of different personalities and parenting styles. I hate to say it, but most of those parents don’t seem to have a lot of control over their children’s behavior. At home it’s not embarrassing and who knows how they handle it… but in public it’s a different story. They all seem to employ the same techniques… and none of them work the way you’d think they would.

The Threat

The Technique: Dad is trying to get Billy to be good in line at Disney World. He says, “If you don’t straighten up, we won’t go swimming later!”

The Problem: Billy is six. He lives in the moment. He only knows how he feels right now… and he’s bored. Plus, he knows you’re not going to ruin the entire family’s plans. You’ve threatened before and never followed through.

The Proper Solution: Billy is bored… but that’s no excuse for bad behavior. Billy needs a time out until he can get his attitude straight. Leave the line, sit Billy down and calmly explain to him that Vacation is on hold until he can control his attitude. The moment Billy pulls it together, jump back in line. If Billy freaks because we’re now at the end of the line, explain that’s what happens when you’re not happy with what you have. If Billy freaks again… lather, rinse, repeat.

The Bribe

The Technique: Mindy won’t eat her McDonald’s and won’t sit still. Mom promises that we’ll get ice cream if she’ll eat her nuggets.

The Problem: Mindy is eating McDonald’s. You should never have to be bribed to eat McDonald’s. Mindy has learned that if she’s bad, she gets rewarded so she pulls this just about every time she can. Plus, she’s so focused on ice cream that she can’t possibly focus on finishing lunch. Also, Mom will probably get ice cream later anyway to keep Mindy from pitching a fit… so for Mindy, it’s a win-win.

The Proper Solution: Mindy gets a time limit. If she finishes, great. If she doesn’t she gets to see it go into the trash. If she pitches a fit, it’s nap time when we get home.

The Pacifier

The Technique: Little Blake has lost his mind in the shopping cart because Mom walked past the toy aisle on accident and didn’t stop. Mom is embarrassed so she runs back and lets Blake pick out a toy which turns into an ordeal of it’s own.

The Problem: Like Mindy above, Blake has learned that throwing a fit gets results! He’s being rewarded for bad behavior. Plus, he’s young… and kids have a hard time making choices. Some kids enjoy whipping their parents into a frustrated frenzy.  If they can’t get positive attention, they’re more than happy with manipulation.

The Proper Solution: Blake needs to be ignored. He doesn’t need a toy every time he sees one. It’ll be embarrassing. People will look at Mom like she’s being abusive… but eventually little Blake will run out of energy and accept his fate. He’ll learn that his temper gets him nothing!

The Sibling

The Technique: It’s time to leave Chic-Fil-A so Mom, knowing how younger sister Starla can be, sends older sister, Lisa into the playplace to get her.

The Problem: Mom is putting Lisa into an unfair position. She’s been charged with a task that is going to frustrate everyone involved. Starla isn’t going to listen. Lisa isn’t going to get the results Mom wanted. Mom’s hoping to avoid drama and she is… but only at the expense of her daughter’s stress level.

The Proper Solution: Before Starla goes to play, Mom tells her how long she’s got… and what will happen when we get home if there is a temper tantrum. When it’s almost time to go, Mom comes in to tell her she’s got 5 minutes left to play then it’s time to go. This gives Starla time to adjust and will help keep outbursts to a minimum. At one minute till Mom comes back to tell Starla to get her shoes on. If she has an outburst, Mom simply follows through with what the promised would happen once they get home. Mom is patient and doesn’t lose her temper. Eventually Starla gives up, puts on the shoes and leaves.

Even great kids lose it. The trick for parent’s is to stop caring how they’re being perceived in public. Do what needs to be done for the betterment of your child. That takes patience and self-control. If you get embarrassed and lost your temper… they’ve won.

When you think back to the special moments in your childhood, it’s the little things that were the most precious. If you had a rough time growing up, they’re even more so. One of my goals as a parent is to create as many of those special moments as possible. Below are a short list of some of the things we’re doing now. Note that none of them are very expensive or hard to do.

1. Weekly Movie Nights

This was Jenn’s idea. On Thursday or Friday night we set up blankets on the floor and eat our dinner and desert in front of a movie. We pause the movie to clean up after we’re done, then finish it up. We don’t watch a ton of TV in our house and none of it all together… so this is a special time for all of us.

2. Decorating Christmas Eve

We put up our tree and decorations after Thanksgiving like most folks… but on Christmas Eve, after the kids have gone to sleep, I bust out a mess of white Christmas lights and hang them all over everything. The next morning the kids always find a single strand running from their doorway all the way through the house and to the tree where this brilliantly (gaudy) display of lights is waiting for them. To me it looks a mess… but to them it’s pure magic.

3. Daddy Dates

Taking my kids out one-on-one to a restaurant is something I do occasionally. It gives Mom a break gives the child my undivided attention. It’s also a time for me to take a different role. So much of the time I’m the comedy relief, the entertainer… this gives me a chance to talk to them and be entertained by them. Good stuff all around.

4. Podcasting

Readers of this blog are hopefully familiar with the occasional audio recordings I do with my daughter called the JennaCast. I’ve been doing them every three our four months since November 2007. Jenna was 2 years old, almost three, when we started. I’ll be doing the same with my son, if he ever gets around to talking. The podcasts give my kids a chance to share in one of my favorite pastimes. It gives them permission to ‘play’ in Daddy’s world for a while. It also provides an audio scrapbook, precious moments in time, that we can all go back and listen to years from now. I think every family should have a podcast.

5. Watching The Rain, Eating Popcorn

Of all of these… this is my personal favorite. It’s the only thing from my childhood that I’ve decided to carry on to my kids. I don’t know how many times it happened… maybe only twice, but when it would rain, my mom would lay down a blanket by the glass-sliding door and make popcorn. We’d sit there, eating popcorn, and watch the rain fall. It’s one of my favorite memories. I just remember it being so relaxing… like watching a fire burn… there was always something different to see. Not to mention the sounds. To this day an overcast day makes me feel great inside… the opposite effect it seems to have on everyone else.

What traditions have you started or carried forward with your kids? Please share yours in the comments!

Introducing your children to God can be scary. So this week James the Geek talks to parents about how to become the spiritual leader in your home.

Sponsor: GotoMeeting Hold your meetings online for just $49/mo. Try GoToMeeting FREE for 30 days.

It’s funny to me how I have no struggles with how to keep my kids healthy. I know to feed them good things and make sure they get plenty of sleep and such. I’m even pretty confident about how to make them smart. I read to them, play with them and make sure they have constructive activities. I even know how to make them behave. I discourage bad behavior and encourage the good. Why is it that I feel confident about the physical and mental aspects of my children… but when it comes to the spiritual side of things… I suddenly feel incapable and maybe even afraid? Can anyone out there relate?

I believe that training up a child to know their Creator is one of the most important thing a parent can do for their children. The world is full of people who have great minds, great health and even great talent… but don’t have the spiritual fortitude to stand for anything other than their own wellbeing… and watch enough VH1: Behind The Music and you’ll see how well that works out for most of them. We can take our kids to Church but their primary source of spiritual input should be their own parents. After nearly 10 years of ministry to children I have seen that my lessons only last until they leave for home, unless what I have preached is reinforcing what has already been taught and lived out in the home. What I teach will only apply in their church. What parents teach reaches everywhere, both inside and outside the home.

How do we raise up our children spiritually? Most of it is actually pretty simple… there’s only one part that can be difficult.

The Easy Stuff:

1. Read to them.

Tell your children stories from the Bible. You don’t have to read them from the Bible. Get a storybook that is age appropriate. If your children are older, let them read it to you. Discuss the stories. Ask how the characters involved felt and what they learned. Tell them how the message applies to their life.

2. Share with them.

Tell them stories of times when God was there for you. Anyone who’s spent any time trying to live right has stories of success and failure. Don’t be afraid to share those moments with your child. I don’t think spelling out dark details of your past is healthy… but keep your sharing age appropriate and your children will see how your relationship with God has shaped the family they’re a part of.

3. Involve them.

Church is important. The older your child is the more important you will find it will become. Children have four main sources for friends: their neighborhood, school, church and activities. Where do you want the majority of their friends to come from? When you consider that Middle School and High School students put more trust in their friend’s opinions then their own parents’, then you will probably want those friends to have similar moral standards to your own. Find a church that cares about families and offers programs that provide opportunities for children to grow in their faith, character and dedication. I’m also a fan of churches who allow families to worship together once in a while. Kids learn by imitation. They can’t learn how to worship from you if they never see you worship.

The Harder Stuff:

4. Live out your faith.

The number one reason most families don’t discipline properly or raise spiritual children is because the parents are not disciplined or spiritual themselves. They know it’s ridiculous to expect behavior from their children when they aren’t modeling it themselves. Raising up children is like duplicating yourself. In many ways children will become what you are now. They will do what you say for only so long… then they’ll do what they see you do. Is your life worth duplicating? If not, work on that. Even if you struggle, it’s a better example than not trying to live for God at all. The only way you can really do it wrong is to quit.

5. Hold them accountable.

Living a life of faith requires living by a set of Godly standards. There is no reason to have them if we don’t enforce them. This is where proper discipline comes in. Proper discipline isn’t always punishment… it’s not trying to make a child be well behaved. It’s training up a child to become a person who prefers good choices over bad, who prefers Godly ways over sinful ones. When we model a Godly life, they get to share the benefits of obedience with you. When we properly punish bad choices we help them see the consequences of sin.

6. Let them choose.

The hardest thing a parent will ever do is let their child go to make their own way in the world. The Bible has a promise that we can trust in. It says that if we show our children the way they should go, then they are older they will go that way. That’s why it’s so important to model our faith for them. We’ll always be parents… but there will be a point where we are no longer parenting. We have to sit back and hope that what we invested in them will carry them through. I will never assume that my child will become a Christian. I will never force it on either of them. I will model a life dedicated to Christ and trust that if it is real, it will be attractive to them.

This article doesn’t have all the answers. It’s not really a how-to. This is simply a call to parents who may not have considered the importance of this aspect of their children’s lives. It’s also an attempt to take the ‘weirdness’ out of investing spiritually into our kids. I’d love it if you would share your feedback and tips on weaving faith into your own children’s lives.

When trying to describe the amazing job my wife does in supporting me… I would have liked to use an analogy. Nothing I came up with really said what I was trying to say.

She keeps me uplifted and where I’m supposed to be… just like a good bra.

She helps me in my daily walk… like a Dr. Sholes shoe insert.

She keeps me straight… like a retainer.

Like a neck brace… she keeps my head on straight.

She helps me take things slow when I should… like a speed bump.

Like a Jr. High yearbook photo… she reminds me of how far we’ve come.

She keeps me focused… like a locker room peephole.

She keeps me motivated… like a pound bag of Peanut M&M’s.

And last, but not least…

Like a glass of water from Mexico… she helps me get rid of my crap.

None of these things do her justice. She is truly amazing. I know that not only am I a better person because of her… but that my life, and every other life she shares hers with, is a better life for it. Literally, opportunities would not otherwise be a possibility without her with me. She is a close rival for 1st place in my heart… the only one who beats her is The One who gave her to me.

Thanks Jenn.

Jenna talks to her Daddy about rashes, preschool, piano and “Checklinesters”.

Try GotoMeeting free for 30 days! For this special offer, visit www.gotomeeting.com/podcasts

Giving you the inside scoop on how to get us men to do pretty much anything you want… assuming you’re intentions are pure that is.

Try GotoMeeting free for 30 days! For this special offer, visit www.gotomeeting.com/podcasts

One more set of wallpapers from Comic 82. Enjoy the free!

Of course if you want… you could say thanks in the way of a buck or two!

Just a quick thought today… in the form of a question:

Are you a great spouse & parent, or are you just not a bad one?

In other words…

Are you the spouse and/or parent you were created to be… or are you just the product of a list of things you have committed never to be?

There is a difference.

I realized a while back that though it was a good thing to have a list of things I never wanted to do or be with my wife and kids… basing my goals exclusively on what I want NOT to do was limiting my potential as a husband and father.

How can you become all you were meant to be if you’re focused more on what you don’t want to be rather than what you could be?

I don’t want the best I can be to just be a good version of someone else from my past. I want my best to be all that God wants for me to be.

Confused much? Holler at me in the comments if you get me.

Show your support for roaches by downloading these free Hi Hi Roachie desktop wallpapers in all the popular sizes!

Yesterday I talked about the scene in My Big Fat Greek Wedding where Mom and Daughter were talking. Mom says, “The Husband may be the head, but the Wife is the neck.” or something to that effect. I love that line… because it’s so true.

Today’s post if for the ladies. I want to give you the inside scoop on how to get us men to do pretty much anything you want… assuming you’re intentions are pure that is.

1. Be nice.

We married couples tend to forget how to ask for things nicely. We tend to take one another for granted. It’s assumed that we’re supposed to do this or that. Men like to be treated the same way you do… like they’re not expected to do things. Ask and you shall receive.

2. Don’t assume we know anything about what you want.

I used to get into a lot of trouble for not doing things that I never knew needed to be done. If you want your man to do something, you can’t hint around… clearly say what you want.

2. Tell us what you’re thinking AND feeling.

We don’t know what your thinking. Even if we have a clue… we don’t know what that means to you. We think differently… so even if you tell us what’s going on in there, we don’t know how it makes you feel. So when you communicate, you might say something like this, “When you don’t do this… it makes me feel….” Sometimes we don’t do what you want because we don’t see it the same way you do. When a loving husband knows how much something bothers his wife… he will change it, fix it or hit it with a club or something.

3. Let us do it our way in our time.

We’re not going to do it exactly the same way you do. Most of the time we won’t do it exactly when you want… and it’ll probably take longer as well. Be ready to truly delegate whatever it is you need. Give it away. If you’re going to worry and fret over it the whole time, you might as well keep the task for yourself.

4. Ask permission to nag in advance.

Nagging is okay… if it’s done right. Tell us a due date on a project… by the weekend, or maybe a week or so. If you give us a due date, and we don’t do it… that’s permission to nag all you want. We can’t even fight you on it. Reminders work better than nagging. Reminding is gooder.

5. Treat us how you want to be treated.

It’s the old Golden Rule. We want the same treatment you want. So even if we’re dropping the ball a bit, give us the benefit of the doubt. Offer to help. Find out if there’s something you could do to help us get motivated. Some of us don’t like making phone calls… maybe you could help us with that part. Some of us hate shopping. If you’ll take the lead on this attitude thing, assuming we haven’t, most men worth a crap will reciprocate.

6. Brag on every little thing we do. Three times each.

Men are not as simple as the media portrays us… except in this one way. If you brag on is OMG! OMG! We will lift mountains to get you to do it again next time. Sometimes wives take what we do for granted. If you wanted the roof fixed… then we fix it… it’s not a problem anymore so we’re on to the next issue. Take a moment and be grateful. It’s good for us… and it helps you enjoy the good things that are going on around you.

7. Pray for us.

Please, pray for us ladies! We’re a mess. And the better your man is… the more you should pray for him! Being a good man in this world is like running up a down escalator. It’s hard work and we need your support! We’re like computers in that way… if you put good stuff in, you’ll get good stuff out. I guess that’s another way we’re simple.

I know there will be readers who may be angered by this post… that’s fine. Everyone has been hurt by a stupid man, even we men, but that doesn’t give us the right to hate on all of them. There are good men out there… and sometimes they’re ruined because they’re taken for granted and unappreciated. Let’s hear it for the boys.

In the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” the main character’s mom mentioned something that stuck with me. It went something like this:

“The man may be the head of the house, but the woman is the neck.”

I gotta say… I love that. Never before or since have I heard a better illustration of how a man and wife work together to lead their family. It’s the perfect blend between traditional values and common sense.

In my marriage my wife is more than happy to leave the leadership to me… that’s because she knows I truly have her and the kid’s best interests in mind. I don’t make decisions selfishly. I’m no Giaus Baltar. That being said, I don’t make a single family decision without the complete support and agreement of my wife. We are a team. If we don’t agree, it’s not a right move for us. I trust her even when I’m not crazy about our disagreement on a particular move. In that way she is the neck to my head. We are inseparable. She gives direction and support.

In so many marriages I see spouses struggling with one another over power… over who will lead. Wives unable to trust their husbands and husbands unable to make selfless choices. Neither are able to fulfill their roles in the family because they’re out of sync, each trying to make up for the shortcomings of the other.

Secretly it’s not about power though… it’s about self-preservation and the avoidance of pain, which looks outwardly like a lack of trust and a grab for power. When couples are open and honest with one another about their own fears, they can start working for one another instead of against.

Here are some tips that have worked for Jenn and I when it comes to trusting one another’s roles in our marriage.

1. Figure out what your issues are.

Why are you unable to trust one another? What happened in your past (probably early childhood) that have caused you to make vows to protect yourself.

2. Share those issues, fears and shortcomings openly with your spouse.

Chances are that all of your issues are bumping into your spouses issues. Each of you pushing one another’s buttons unintentionally. This is not a time to be defensive. It’s a time to share your feelings and hear the pain behind them. If someone feels more strongly about something than you can understand… it’s because that’s how big of a deal it is to them.

3. Realize that your spouse is not your enemy or competition. They are your partner, friend and teammate.

If one of you have issues… then you both do. It’s not about one person working it out… it’s about both of you working on your issues together. You are more than a team… you are a unit. What hurts one hurts the other. You can abuse the relationship by taking your frustrations out on one another, or you can stick together and work out your frustrations together. In this way a bad situation can serve to bond you together rather than tear you apart.

4. Do all you can in yourself to help your spouse heal.

Once you figure out the reasons behind your trust issues the healing can begin… but it’s not instant or easy. Every day you have to make a choice to keep working on it and believe what doesn’t seem true… that you can trust those who love you completely. Spouses can help that process along by showing their love in new ways… by making real change that can be felt by the other. That’s where knowing your spouse’s love languages can come in handy.

5. Focus more on your own self-improvement than your spouse’s.

You can’t work on your trust issues if you’re waiting for the other person to start getting better before you do anything. You have to work on your problems like you want them to work on theirs, rather than monitoring them and only going as far as they do. This is the only area you’re supposed to be self-centered in. If we want an better relationship with an improved spouse… we have to become a person who deserves that.

When we can trust our spouse to fulfill their role, we are free to fulfill ours. It’s not about who’s the boss and who’s the slave… it’s like a machine, where every part does a different job… but they’re all equally important because without one if them the machine doesn’t work.

A 17 year old girl asked me for advice last night. She has found The One… she is sure of it…. at 17. She’s struggling with her relationship with God but putting 99% of her energy into her flawed relationship with this guy. Here are some of the things I shared with her that I’d like to share with anyone who is considering marriage.

1. Put 99% of your energy into improving your relationship with God.

Connecting with God through prayer, Bible reading, Church attendance, obedience and struggle will benefit every area of your life. Marriage is basically connecting every part of your life to every part of someone else’s life… so why wouldn’t you want to work on it all rather than just your relationship?

2. You both deserve the best spouse in the world… but you can’t change him nor he you.

Focus on improving yourself rather than trying to change the other person. If they truly love you, they will do the same for you… and you will be able to trust them to do it. Dating someone and committing to marriage is the ultimate acceptance. If you connect in such a way to a severely flawed person, you are accepting the flaws… they will be less motivated to correct and work through them. So many times I see couples focused on the other persons flaws, putting most of their energy into turning the other person into someone they don’t even deserve themselves. We must become a person who deserves the best rather than finding someone flawed and trying to turn them into what we want.

3. Your spiritual life will in many ways be duplicated in your future children.

Most of us would probably admit that though our spiritual lives aren’t perfect… they work for us and are better than they once were. So the question I’ll ask you… would you want to give one of your children your spiritual life? If you said no, then you’ve got work to do. Having our hearts focused on God is the key to every bit of raising a child properly. If you’re not doing what you’re supposed to be doing… how can you hold a child to a standard you’re not even holding to yourself?

4. I don’t know what I’m eating for dinner tomorrow, much less if I’ve found The One.

We humans are so limited… we can’t even choose where we want to go to dinner on a date… but we’ll be 100% sure that we’ve found the person we’re destined to marry. The truth is we don’t know anything… but we feel everything. Much like a new pair of shoes that we love until they become flawed… the feelings of an exciting relationship can change in an instant. A real relationship is not based on feelings alone.

5. Pray for what you want… but be open to what God wants.

She asked me how she should pray. I reminded her of Jesus’ prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus was about to be crucified… he was stressed. He prayed something like this… “If there is any other way You can do this… let’s do it that way and leave me out of it.” But then he said, “But not what I want… Let’s do what you want.” That’s how I pray. I pray for the things I think I need in my limited understanding. I ask for solutions that will work out best for me and in my timeline… but then I pause and open my heart and life for God to meet the needs He wants in the way He wants. How many times have thought God wasn’t working in our lives because we limited ourselves to believing that he was going to do things our way?

I don’t know if my advice was heeded… time will tell. I hope so. She’s at such a pivotal time in her life. It seems unfair that a 17 year old has that kind of power. If the 30 year old version of herself could only make an appearance… I’m sure she’d listen to her. Or would she?

Today I got an email requesting some information on how to find happiness in a marriage where one spouse is Christian and the other is not.

I just came upon your site & looked through the marriage topic for anything on being unequally yoked. Do you have any wisdom on this subject? I am Born Again and in full-time ministry but my husband is not a Christian. This is becoming harder and harder. Thanks.

I replied asking for any specific questions or angles she’d like to hear about… but I thought I could address the whole topic in a general way.

I’ll start by saying that this is a difficult topic to address since I have never been in this situation personally. I have, however, seen the effect of being unequally yoked on the people involved in such a union, both spouses and children, in my 10+ years of ministry. It’s never ideal and in ever situation it’s a struggle for everyone involved.

Why Is Being Unequally Yoked A Struggle?

When is the last time you got into an heated discussion about Religion or Politics with a friend or co-worker with opposing views? There is nothing in the world people are more passionate about than those two topics. Now imagine being married to that person… sharing a home and a bed with someone who thinks everything you hold dear and sacred is stupid and a complete waste of time.

My wife and I always joke about how different we are… how there is no way we should be able to get along… but the reason it works is because our differences are on the surface. Just underneath we are in complete unity. Our Faith, politics, theories on child rearing, the trust we have in one another, our love for our family… exactly the same. But imagine a marriage where the only thing you have in common is what you eat for dinner, what you watch on TV and where you watch it.

Why Do Christian People Marry Non-Christians?

Most of the time folks who marry someone who is not of the same faith do so because they simply do not think it matters at the time. They believe that they can change the person… or that love will be enough to carry them through. Then others are not very committed to their faith and so their beliefs, though different than their potential mate, are not really practiced and are therefore mostly irrelevant. In rare cases one of the spouses find Christ afterward and then find themselves unequally yoked by accident.

Usually people with a Christian background will begin to depend on their faith more as they age and experience life. Having children also gets people taking their relationship with Christ more seriously. If they were raised in church, they’re typically going to want their kids raised in church. Though the Christian parent has the best intentions, they typically become the ‘bad guy’ of the family forcing children to get up early for church when Dad gets to stay home, enforcing rules that only they believe in… it can really be a huge hassle.

If you are a Christian and single, do yourself a favor. Realize that the feeling of being in love is not what keeps a marriage together… it is the depth of your commitment to what you believe that makes marriage vows stick. It makes so much sense it’s scary. How can you trust your potential spouse to believe in and live out his commitment to you when he doesn’t even share, much less live out, your commitment to God.

Recently my wife and I did an episode of Geek Loves Nerd focused on creating a schedule to keep our two pre-school aged kids busy during the week. I started working on the schedule the day after it recorded. Little did I know at the time that Jenn and I would be switching places and the schedule I was creating would become my new bible so to speak.

I thought I would share a little bit of how I came up with the schedule (which is still in the works and has yet to be tested properly). Subscribe to the RSS Feed to get more on this topic as it comes available.

1. I started with the events that were set in stone.

The kids get up at 7:30am every morning. Preschool is Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Staff meeting is always on Tuesday mornings and Lunch comes around every day along with dinner and church is at the same time every Sunday morning and Wednesday night. Once I dropped those set events in my schedule…

2. I started thinking about necessary things we need to do during the week.

There are things that need to be taken care of weekly that aren’t tied down to a set time or day. I’m talking about baths, naps, snacks, chores, grocery shopping and housework. This step is the one I figure will require the most amount of tweaking as I try out the schedule. Once I have these events filled in…

3. The remaining time can be filled with play, activities, free time or other constructive activities.

You’ll notice in my sample schedule below… I haven’t quite filled in all of the Open Time blocks yet. That’s because I’m still trying to find enough to do to keep us busy. My goal is to have something different every day of the week during the same times. So if the morning open time is for inside play… I’m going to have five to six different toys or games that I keep and only bring out on that day to play with them. So maybe Monday is lego day and there is this huge collection of Legos they can only use on Mondays. Tuesdays is Playdoh day… and so on. If I keep the toys during the week, they stay fresh and special. If I play along with them, the toys not only last longer… the time is better spent and constructive.

I want to do the same with outdoor play and outside events. I want to have at least 6-10 outdoor activities I can do with the kids… in warm and cold weather. I also need to come up with places we can go that are cheap/free during the week.

As you can see, this is still a work in progress. I welcome any input or tips in the comments. Stay tuned for the continuing saga that is Geek Loves Nerd!

Sample Weekly Schedule

Monday
7:00am Shower
7:30am Breakfast
8:00am Cleanup & Get Dressed
9:00am Pre-School
9:00am Time With Dunder
12:00pm Pick-up Jenna
12:30pm Lunch
1:00pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap Time
4:00pm Craft/Play/Park Time
5:30pm Jenn’s Home
5:30pm Open Time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Kid’s Quiet Time
8:30pm Bedtime

Tuesday
7:00am Shower
7:30am Breakfast
8:00am Cleanup & Get Dressed
9:00am Leave for Staff Meeting
9:30am Staff Meeting
(If No Staff)
8:30am Outside activity
12:00pm Lunch
12:30pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap Time
4:00pm Craft/Play/Park Time
5:30pm Jenn’s Home
5:30pm Open Time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Bathtime
8:30pm Bedtime
Wednesday
7:00am Shower
7:30am Breakfast
8:00am Cleanup & Get Dressed
9:00am Pre-School
9:00am Time With Dunder
12:00pm Pick-up Jenna
12:30pm Lunch
1:00pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap Time
4:00pm Open Time
5:30pm Jenn’s Home
6:00pm Dinner
6:30pm Leave for Church
7:30pm Church
9:30pm Bedtime
Thursday
7:00am Shower
7:30am Breakfast
8:00am Cleanup & Get Dressed
8:30am Outside activity
12:00pm Lunch
12:30pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap time
5:30pm Jenn’s Home
5:30pm Open Time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Bathtime
8:30pm Bedtime
Friday
7:00am Shower
7:30am Breakfast
8:00am Cleanup & Get Dressed
9:00am Pre-School
9:00am Time With Dunder
12:00pm Pick-up Jenna
12:30pm Lunch
1:00pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap Time
4:00pm Craft/Play/Park Time
5:30pm Jenn’s Home
5:30pm Open Time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Kid’s Quiet Time
8:30pm Bedtime
Saturday
12:00pm Lunch
12:30pm Open Time
2:00pm Nap time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Bathtime
8:30pm Bedtime
Sunday
7:30am Leave for Church
9:00am Church
2:00pm Lunch
2:30pm Nap Time
4:00pm Open Time
7:00pm Dinner
8:00pm Clean up Dinner / Kid’s Quiet Time
8:30pm Bedtime

Jenn is going to work full time. James is staying home with the kids. Let’s talk about it!

Check out James’ new show: I Like Genius

Call our new phone number and leave a message for the show 920-3GLNGLN!

Follow us on Twitter: James @nlcast, Jenn @jkennison

Try GotoMeeting free for 30 days! For this special offer, visit www.gotomeeting.com/podcasts

For those who listen to the Geek Loves Nerd podcast and even The Gospel of Kennison, my audio journal, I’ve mentioned on at least two occasions that I felt a major life change coming. At the time, I had no idea what that would be… but it came anyway. For a time, while things were in transition, we couldn’t talk about it… but now that the dust as settled, I’d like to share a bit of what is going on.

In a nutshell: Jenn and I are trading places.

Jennifer is seeking full-time employment in the accounting field. I have severely cut my hours and gone to a part-time status with my employer. I’m staying home with the kids… Jenn is going to work.

Why? That’s a difficult question to answer without telling a 4 and a half year story. Jenn has always struggled with leaving her job. That being said she has always been the best Mom a child could ask for… but almost every day has been a struggle for her. That is why she’s my hero. She’s done an amazing job, better than most, in spite of how the felt while doing it.

For my part, I simply got tired of seeing her have to work so hard to try to stay happy. I got to the point that I was willing to do anything. In order for me to get to that point I had to let go of certain ideas. My ‘perfect’ image of the traditional nuclear family wasn’t so perfect. It wasn’t going to work the way we had it set up. Jennifer wasn’t flawed or broken… we were both just trying to force her into a role she wasn’t meant to play. The full-time, stay at home Mom thing was eating her alive and it was far from perfect. The ideal of raising our kids ourselves hasn’t changed… just the image of what that looked like has.

She asked me how it was fair that I give up my career for her. First, I’m not giving up my calling as a minister… second, how is it any different that what we asked her to do nearly 5 years ago?

Some will be judgmental and prideful. You don’t get to judge. That right goes to myself and and my children. We have decided that she has been and forever will be the best Mom on the planet… because she did a better job than most people who enjoy every moment of it. She has earned this and I’m happy to do it for her.

So far the transition has gone very well. I love spending so much time with the kids. The kids haven’t noticed a thing. Jenn and I have always been equally important to them. They have no real preference. That face is benefiting us greatly. I clean house, do the dishes, prepare some meals… haven’t really tackled anything resembling laundry yet. Some things are best left to the pros.

Change, even good change, is funky. Especially when it’s not instant. Transition kind of floats you in a limbo of waiting and impatience, hope and despair. As we float through the next few weeks I know that though we don’t know what the future holds… someone does and He has a plan to prosper us and not to harm us. Plans that include hope and a good future.

I’m glad we found this new course. It’s different than we planned… but it’s working… and working very well. I like where we’re headed even though it wasn’t how we planned to get there. Joy is returning to the Kennison home. Life is good.

You are welcomed to join us on this new chapter of our lives as it plays out on Geek Loves Nerd the blog and podcast and your prayers and comments are always welcome.

The first episode of I Like Genius is live! Huge thanks to my guest, Christopher Stapleton (ChickenPopPod & The Folding Chair).

I Like Genius is a podcast that examines the everyday people behind some of the most creative and viral content on the internet and turning entertainment into inspiration.

It’s not listed in iTunes yet… but in the mean time here are some subscription options:

iTunes: Subscribe

Zune: Subscribe

Podcast RSS: http://feeds.feedburner.com/ilikegenius

[Link]

He’s still fairly new. We’ve only had him for a year and a half. Before I had children I guess I imagined that babies were pretty much devoid of personality. When you see them with their parents out and about they’re either crying or staring at you blankly. Boy was I wrong.

I’ve been spending a lot of extra time with my kids lately… and really bonding with the boy like never before. I thought I’d sit down today and write up a list of things I really think are great about him so far.

1. He loves Buzz Lightyear.
2. He’s good with his hands. A born button pusher.
3. I love watching him notice cause and effect.
4. He gets happy about the simplest things… like seeing me.
5. He loves to run and shout.
6. He likes all my geek stuff. Bobbleheads and the like.
7. He’s super photogenic.
8. He’ll eat almost anything… except bread. He’s a walking Atkins Diet.
9. He’s a sweetheart. It’s great that I’ll have two kids who care about others.
10. He has a great smile. He sets his teeth in a funny way when he smiles hard.
11. He’ll sit in my lap for a long time just to watch me play video games.
12. He adores his older sister.
13. He looks good in a t-shirt and jeans.
14. He’s already a hard worker and a great helper.
15. He grunts like an old man when he picks up something heavy.
16. He’s quiet in the car. He’s busy watching outside. I used to do the same thing.
17. I love his nickname, Dunder.
18. He’s good climbing and descending stairs. One less thing to worry about.
19. He gives great high-fives.
20. He’s brave on slides and loves to swing high on the playground.

How many times do arguments in a relationship start with a misunderstanding… um… every stinking time perhaps? Something like that. Here are a few hoops you can jump through before dragging yourself and your mate into a three hour shout-fest over nearly nothing.

1. Ask Them To Repeat And Clarify Their Comment

Before you get all angry over a comment, at least make sure you heard what they said correctly. I can’t tell you the times I’ve blown up over something that was never ever said!

2. Assume That You’re Taking It Worse Than Was Intended

I recall in the movie Wolverine where he says “Bub” but The Blob character hears him say “Blob” because he’s sensitive about his weight. We’re the same way. For some reason our brain loves to trick us into thinking folks are saying the exact thing we need to hear in order to be the most offended and hurt. Just knowing this about ourselves can help.

3. Is The Comment A Reply To Your Misunderstood Comment?

When people who love one another say hurtful things, 9 times out of 10 it’s in an attempt to defend themselves against something hurtful. You can judge how bad something you said hurt them by how much their reply stings you. If you say something that gets that kind of response, rather than fire back something awful, realize they may have misunderstood you and find out what they heard you say. Once they understand that you weren’t trying to rip out their heart… things can deescalate.

Two people who love one another are two people who put the other person’s feelings before their own. That doesn’t happen naturally. If it were, it wouldn’t be an act of love in the first place. Take the time and make a decision about your actions rather than allowing yourself to simply react to a comment and you will have that much more peace in your relationship.

I remember when it was just play-doh… and that was it. Now they’ve got so many gadgets that I’ve noticed that we don’t ever just shape things ourselves. I challenged Jenna to make a dog without any tools. She did great… but obviously wasn’t pleased with the outcome. She started clumping bits and pieces of doh around his body then said laughing, “He’s stuck in a bush!”

In a small way it’s inspiring. Though she wasn’t happy with the outcome, she didn’t get frustrated, she turned it into something she could enjoy and share with others. That took creativity, positivity and humor.

All from playing play-doh.

Sometimes parenting can feel like more of a chore than a blessing. Especially with young kids. Keeping them out of trouble and busy can easily become a chore than takes up your entire day. If we’re not careful we run the risk of herding them and caring for them but secretly resenting them for taking up all of our time.

I’m finding that one of the keys to successful parenting is to be selfless. I find that when I decide a the beginning of the day that I’m going to put every one else’s needs first, then I’m not surprised by the demands of my preschoolers. I’m not disappointed by how much work it is.

Children are not chores to be done. Neither are they tasks to be completed. They are little humans who need our care and our love. As an added bonus they’re cute and funny. Make a choice today to find enjoyment in your children. What makes each one special and unique? Revel in that today. Our children are gifts from God. Yeah they can be a pain… but they’re capable of bringing joy as well.

I slept… but every itch felt like a bug getting me for the rest of the night.

Bleh!

I finally buckled down and got my head wrapped around css and php enough to modify ComicPress just enough to become the theme I always wanted. The product of that work is what you see now.

Here are some of the features that have been added:

• Live video stream prominently featured on the main page.
• Social networking buttons, media player and subscription options are in plain view.
• Better integration of banner ads and other advertising.
• Podcasts have their own featured column.
• Feed player added to sidebar.
• Community chat added to nlcast.com, cmmonthly.com and geeklovesnerd.com.
• From The Archives added to sidebar. Pulls posts from one and two years prior.
• Sponsor-A-Show page updated.
• Promote page added under Sponsor-A-Show

Still on the todo list:

• Rework layout of individual posts and podcast pages.
• New header title image.
• Add community chat page for full screen chatting.

My goal was to create a theme that could be used for all of the NLCast Network shows. I believe I have accomplished this. It really feels good when you learn something new.

Think of all the times they’ve drawn pictures for you. It’s how they show you they love you. Drawing you and them standing hand-in-hand with your house in the background… maybe put the dog in there. It’s a great way to let your youngun know how you feel about them. If you really don’t want to bother, let me draw you a picture for them!

4. Take them on a date

If you have a ton of kids, take them two at a time… but if you only have a few, set up a time where it’s just you and them out on the town. Take them out to eat, get dessert, then a movie or just go shopping. It’s a great way to bond and it makes them the center of your world with none of the distractions of home around to bother you.

3. Talk about them to others

There is nothing I loved more as a child than to overhear my mom talking me up to her friends. It only happened a few times that I remember… but I remember each one to this day. She’d talk about how I was bringing my grades up. How I was such a good artist for my age. She’d brag on my improving behavior. Not only will you kids’ heart soar… they will want to impress you even further!

2. Let them help you

If you’re still lucky enough to have kids that want to help you around the house… let them! Yes it’s more difficult and will take a lot more time… but they want to help! That’s priceless! Not only are you teaching them the benefits of work by making it fun… it’s develops a part of your relationship that nothing else can. It makes you a team. Your child feels they are side-by-side with you, for just that moment… it makes them feel big. It gives them a preview of adulthood… and a good one at that. They’ll learn from you and they’ll want to grow up just like you.

1. Tell them you love them

I casually tell my kids I love them all the time. But once in a while I literally hold my girl’s head in my hands and stare deep into her eyes and say, “Girl, I love you so much.” She’s 4 and a half… and she tears up almost every time.

I grew up without most of the things on this list. Chances are you missed out too. I strive to raise my kids the way I wanted to be raised. They’re so much like me already. It’s going to be awesome seeing them become more than I ever could because they’re getting what they need now. Let’s all commit to giving what we didn’t receive.

Clean the house, bathe the kids, do the dishes and the floors… then go play video games and see if she says anything. I have discovered this great power recently and I want to share it with you. It’s not easy to do because it actually feels at first like you’ll never get another free moment again in your life… but I believe that very feeling is what most of our wives feel every moment. Once they know we feel it too we become unified. The goal isn’t to equalize the work… but to be willing to do even more. So quit keeping score… and you will find that there is more time for the things you love to do than you ever thought possible. Guilt-free time… which is precious and rare.

Do you like bullet lists? I do:

• Become completely selfless.
• Set a goal to outwork your spouse.
• Commit at least three days to this goal before cashing in.
• Make it a part of your daily schedule… not just a one time thing.
• Game on!

You’ll also find other benefits… like a cleaner home, a calmer wife, happier kids, more enjoyment of your free time. The list goes on. Try it today!

Husbands and Dads… what kind of things do you do around the house to bless your wife and kids? Share in the comments!

Children, at their core, are simple creatures. They’re not so different from us. Behavior that has benefits to them is repeated. Behavior that has negative consequences are not. Two simple categories right? Yes… but they both apply in two ways. Let me break it down like this:

• Good behaviors that have naturally occurring benefits will be repeated.
• Good behaviors that have naturally occurring (seemingly) negative consequences will not be repeated.
• Bad behaviors that have a naturally occurring benefit will be repeated.
• Bad behaviors that have a naturally occurring negative consequences will not be repeated.

Basically I’m trying to point out that some good behaviors are their own reward… other good behaviors are not. Some, like cleaning a room, have built-in benefits. Others, like telling the truth, can seem to have consequences rather than rewards for our kids. Our goal as proper disciplinarians is to exaggerate the benefits of good behavior and the consequences of the bad. This becomes especially important when life seems to reward the bad and punish the good. Parents are wise when they provide incentives for children to choose the right over the wrong in spite of naturally occurring consequences.

Rewardable Behavior & Expected Behavior

If you’ve read any of my other articles on Proper Discipline then you know that I believe in setting Minimum Standards for your Child. Minimum standards help you to be consistent when discouraging unwanted behavior. On the other end of the spectrum is what I would call Expectations. Expectations is a fair and achievable set of goals we set for our children’s behavior.

Have a look at the diagram below:

Anything between your Minimum Requirements and your Expectations is Expected or Good Behavior. Note that even the color of the background has a purpose. Expected behavior is not Perfect Behavior. Children are still allowed to have moods, bad hair days and etc… as long as they don’t drop below our Minimum Requirements. Anything above our Expectations is Rewardable Behavior… and anything that drops blow our Minimum Requirements is punishable. I keep this diagram as a mental image in my mind when dealing with my children. Placing a mental pin on based on their current behavior helps me know what my reaction should be.

Practical Application Time

Enough theory… let’s put this into practice. There was a time that my daughter got a Skittle every time she went potty. Back in the day going potty was an action that rose above her expected behavior at the time since she was still wearing diapers. Once that behavior became standard and expected, the reward was removed. I’m not going to be giving her Skittles for the rest of her life! That girl goes so much she’d be bigger than me by now!

I also don’t reward her for keeping her room clean. It’s expected behavior and it has it’s own reward. She loves her room once it’s clean. She’s learning to put things away faster so she can enjoy it once she’s done. Currently there are rewards for eating or at least trying certain foods. My girl is a very picky eater… and though we don’t make her eat things she outright doesn’t like… we insist that she tries one bite each time we have it. Our Minimum Requirement is that she eat at least one bite. Our Expectation (or Goal) is that she will develop a taste eventually and eat it all. She is praised verbally when she tries the food, and she has gotten better at it, but we save dessert for when she eats a fair bit or all. Recently she finally decided she liked mashed potatoes (told you she was picky) and she was rewarded.

Conclusion

• Some behaviors have their own rewards and consequences.
• Parents need to make sure good behaviors are rewarding and bad behaviors have consequences especially when life rewards bad behavior or punishes good.
• Expected behavior is appreciated but not rewarded.
• Rewardable behavior is that which exceeds your expectations at the time.
• Today’s Rewardable Behavior is tomorrow’s Expected Behavior.

If this made any sense at all… or if you have questions… please post them in the comments. If there are ever any more specific questions I can answer concerning discipline, please email me at geeklovesnerd@gmail.com

Change is the name of the game around here at my house. I’ll wait to reveal what those changes are until after they have taken effect… but in the mean time just know that they are potentially good changes… but life altering.

Since my mind was on change in the context of family, I thought I’d write up a post on some of the steps Jenn and I have taken, between the two of us… and our children.

1. We’ve talked out everything… over and over… again and again.

Change is scary. It pushes all of your buttons. When the change is life altering, it can easily affect your security, relationship, stress level, moods and stress level. It’s important for couples to share those feelings. We found that we were sharing a lot of the same feelings.

We’re not just talking about feelings though… there are a lot of potentially scary choices to be made when change happens. It’s important to hear one another out when considering your options. Two are better than one and a marriage comes with a different perspective built right in.

We men like to talk things through once. We set our mind toward a goal and start heading that way. It’s already done in our minds… but my wife isn’t like me. She seems to forget the big picture and wants to go through it all again. She wants to know that everything’s still okay… and that things are still going the way we wanted them to go. This isn’t weakness… it’s balance. Someone needs to see the forest… and someone else needs to watch out out for the trees.

2. We’re in total agreement… about everything.

It’s always been a thing with us… we don’t make any major life changes without both of us ‘feeling’ it. It’s mandatory in our family. Even if I’m totally sold on something… if I don’t have her support… I don’t even try it. Why? Because even if I’m right… but I don’t have her beside me… it will fail anyway. The ends do not justify the means.

I truly believe that God even thinks this is a good idea. Our past is full of choices that we made in unity that I know were His will for us. We’ve NEVER made a bad choice together. Never… except our 2nd child.

3. We’re moving slow.

A wise man once told me, “You’ll always miss God[‘s Will] going too fast… but you’ll never miss Him going too slow.” Once we’ve made our decisions we always make a commitment to take things very slowly. This gives God plenty of time to talk to us and  redirect us if He needs to. We also commit to never making a single choice that we can’t instantly un-make if He calls us to. It’s just how we roll. I can’t see my own future… but God is there. We trust him to lead us.

4. We’re putting one another first.

Change is typically done to improve things for everyone involved… but not always. Sometimes the change benefits one over the other. In a marriage that should never matter. True love doesn’t keep score. It is not selfish. It puts the needs of the other before their own. Even without the Bible stuff it just makes sense… when you keep your spouse happy… it makes your life better.

5. We’re not telling the kids.

Though our children are a huge consideration in anything that we do… they are not a part of the decision making process itself. Granted, they’re 4 and 1 years of age… but even if they were teens… the job of directing this family lies in our hands.

As it is, since they are so young, we’re just going to trust steps 1-4 to gently carry them through the transition. Plus, if they don’t have the ability to understand something… it’s not for them to know yet. All it will do is unlock parts of their mind that they should be having to deal with until their older anyway.

If you follow the podcast and the blog… then I  know you’re dying to know what the deal is. So are we… but in the mean time just know that it’s good stuff… but we still need to be careful. Keep us in your prayers.

Jennifer the Nerd and I the Geek will be taking a few weeks off from our regular podcasting schedule. We have no intention of ending the show… we just need to spend some time focusing on some real life stuff (home, job, future) so that the podcast can continue to be fun for us.

For those who worry about such things… no, we’re not in any trouble… no Jon and Kate issues in sight. We’re just finding ourselves tired at the end of the day… and free time is precious. Once a few dates pass and things get decided/accomplished, free time will return.

Thanks for understanding… and for those who pray, add us to the list. The typical guidance and direction will do us just fine.

The problem with this ‘picture’ is that it typically changes depending on our mood, our location or situation. When we’re short tempered we can be too nit-picky and when we’re happy, it’s sometimes easier to let things slide that we shouldn’t. If you’re a person who’s prone to being hot-tempered, like most men I know, we sometimes won’t discipline because we can’t trust ourselves to be good judges of behavior because we’re over reactors.

One way to overcome all of these issues is to set minimum requirements for your child’s behavior.  Minimum requirements are the least amount of behavior that you will stand for in any situation.  When you set minimum requirements it doesn’t matter what your mood is.  Whether you’re in a good or bad mood, if your child steps below those minimum requirements you know you have to step in and correct the behavior.  This is especially good for those who don’t trust themselves to be consistent in discipline.

For example, my expectations for bedtime for my four year old daughter is for her to brush her teeth, brush out her hair, no whining, no complaining, and 9:00 PM bedtime.  Anything less than this behavior needs to be corrected.  This is the case whether I’m in a good or bad mood.  My minimum requirements for dinner are different.  She eats the same thing we’re having, she doesn’t have to eat it all but she must taste everything at least once.  She can’t take forever to eat and no complaining.  Any behavior less than those requirements gets corrected.

Of course my standards are higher.  My expectations for are much higher.  I expect more than the minimum but anything above the minimum doesn’t mean to be corrected.  It doesn’t necessarily need to be rewarded either…  But we’ll talk about rewards another time.

So setting minimum requirements for church, home, extracurricular activities, school, chores and whatever else can be a great guide for parents.  They help us know when to step in and help kids to change inappropriate behavior before it becomes bad behavior.  Think of it like a pain of a candle flame that causes you to pull your hand back from the pain that keeps you from burning your hand off.  It’s uncomfortable, but better than the alternative.

In future posts will talk about rewardable behavior and expected behavior.  Battle of the teacher comments and feedback on setting minimum behavior standards or any other discipline topic in the comments below.

Every time I get my schedule hashed out, it seems that something gets shifted around and the whole thing goes to pot. One of those things has been the web comic unfortunately. Typically I like to do them over the weekend and post them for Monday. The weekends have been crazy busy the past two weeks and nothing has been accomplished (web comic wise anyway).

Hang in there. We’ll get you something good. In the mean time there are still Podcasts and Marriage & Family Advice Articles to read!

Discipline used to be a dirty word to me. It still has a sting to it. I had a hardcore ex-military step-father who loved to throw it around while he rampaged around the house demanding perfect order. His demands on us changed moment by moment based on his moods. A good mood meant we could be ourselves, even careless and carefree with our behavior. A bad mood meant we wished we didn’t even exist enough to leave a footprint in the carpet. This wasn’t proper discipline.

When it was time to have my own children, I was outright scared. I was terrified that I wouldn’t know how to bring up my children properly. Don’t we learn from the example? Don’t the statistics say we tend to repeat the bad traits of our own parents? I didn’t want to… but was I doomed to put my children through the same tortures I endured? That was when learning proper discipline became very important to me.

Discipline is more than “getting onto” kids, correcting them, spankings and time-outs. Discipline done right is just another word for Discipling, literally making your child into a follower of your example… a disciple. Therefore…

Proper discipline is achieved when we provide a relationship of love and consistency where children are shown the consequences of sin and the benefits of obedience.

Proper discipline starts with love.

We all love our kids… but love isn’t all hugs and kisses. Love holds a child down while they get their shots… because it’s good for them. Love exposes a child to food they don’t originally like. Love forces a child to focus on things they don’t have much interest in like homework or cleaning their room. Love is also patient and kind. It is not rude, self-centered or easily angered. Proper discipline starts with proper love.

Proper discipline is consistent and predictable.

When children think about crossing the line… they need to know even before they do it what is coming. Your response shouldn’t be based on mood or circumstance. We achieve consistency by having a vision for who we want our child to be, being patient and selfless, and having a set of expectations and basic rules established ahead of time. When children experience the same discomfort when they make mistakes and the same encouragement when they make good choices… they will move away from one and toward the other. This is greatly enhanced when they see the principals you set for them lived out in your own life.

Proper Discipline has consequences for bad choices.

When a child steps over the line, it needs to be uncomfortable for them. The consequences of the transgression need to outweigh the benefits. A child may want to loose their temper because it feels good to get so angry… but if the consequences of the behavior are severe enough, they will choose good behavior because it’s not worth it. What are those consequences? That’s where knowing your own child comes into play. Some parents use time-outs, some spank, some use isolation or loss of benefits. It’s all about what works best with the smallest effort from you… and doing it consistently.

Proper Discipline has benefits and encouragement for good choices.

This is the part most old school disciplinarians don’t get. It’s not enough to discourage bad behavior, you’ve got to encourage good behavior. Focusing only on the bad only teaches a child to not get caught. Focusing only on the good creates a child who believes they are entitled and can do no wrong. It’s only in the balance of both do we see the results we want. I don’t believe you have to reward every bit of good behavior… but encouragement is free and should be given liberally. It’s easy to catch a child being bad… we almost look for badness by default. I try to catch my daughter being good too. If I see her share her snack with her brother… I’m going to brag on her to her mom so she can hear. They like hearing you talk about them a lot more anyway.

More on consequences and rewards in future posts.

Attention Facebook Folks: Please leave your comments and responses here on the website! It will really help build the community and you’ll see a lot more interaction and responses to your thoughts.

It only takes one trip to Walmart to realize something… folks don’t discipline their children very well anymore. You can hardly find a child you’d want to spend any amount of time around while strolling through the isles. Restaurants are even worse. Kids shouting out, squirming, crying or complaining. It’s not just the young ones either… often times the older the child is the more out of control they are.

I think the lack of discipline in the home is the leading contributor to the degrading quality of our neighborhoods, our schools, escalation of chemical imbalances and rising crime rates, drug use and gang activity. It’s a big deal.

So why aren’t we doing it? Why are kids getting away with so much? Why are we pacifying and distracting rather than directing and correcting?

1. Discipline is a dirty word to most of us.

So many adults today were abused or otherwise mistreated under the banner of “discipline”. Proper discipline is not abuse or an overbearing parent… it is a relationship that allows a parent to direct a child into becoming the man or woman God has for them to be.

2. Complicated family situations.

When a family splits up… things get complicated. When money is tight… the urgent will often push the important to the back burner. We love our children… but proper discipline is hard work and so quick fixes become the order of the day. If the child spends time between two households, the rules are different every other weekend. Parents tend to parent out of guilt or as a competition with the former spouse. Since there is almost no consistency parents switch into survival for the moment mode and situations are handled, but not the behavior.

3. Vices

If a parent has problems with smoking, drinking, drugs, gambling, late nights, dating or any other self-destructive behavior it makes it almost impossible for them to be a good parent. If a parent is a liar how can they correct a lying child? If mom has a boyfriend over for the night and the child acts out in school the next day, the parent is defensive against the teachers because she is to blame. Meanwhile the child is left thinking he can do no wrong and will continue to take out his frustrations on every available adult outside of his home. 99% of parenting is leading by example. They will only do what we say for so long… then they’ll do what we do. We must become the people we want our children to be.

4. Simply don’t know how!

There are a ton of parents who would love to have a well behaved child… but they simply don’t know how to do it. They’re trying… but nothing seems to work. I know of several parents who have 3 or more kids… then the 4th one comes along and nothing that worked with the older ones work with him. They have to learn all over again how to get the behavior they need. If you have never seen a model of proper discipline, it’s difficult to know what to do. My hope is that the articles I’ll be writing over the next few days will be of service to you.

Proper discipline is one of the hardest jobs in parenting… but it’s the most rewarding. It’s an investment in your own future… and because of the fruits of your labor… it’s not only the best thing you can do for your kid, it’s the best thing you can do for your own sanity. Children not only need structure, they crave it. Like grass that grows better when it’s cut regularly, children flourish when they are given proper boundaries. They make better choices and avoid common mistakes. They’ll become a blessing to you rather than a drain on you. Check back for more.

James and Jenn discuss working out a monthly schedule of events for the family to help keep mom sane. We also tackle some tough issues from a Christian perspective.

Call our new phone number and leave a message for the show 920-3GLNGLN!

Follow us on Twitter: James @nlcast, Jenn @jkennison

It’s the difference between dealing with the same issues over and over case by case verses changing the behavior so that the child can mature (and move on to the next major issue). Many parents find themselves correcting behavior for the moment because it’s quick and gets the job done… only to find that the same issue arises again and again.

A great example is how children act on a shopping trip. Let’s say a child sees a toy they want. We tell them they can’t have it… so the child pitches a fit. Our knee-jerk reaction is to correct the behavior. We want the child to stop embarrassing us and shut the heck up! But the crying is a symptom of a deeper issues. Shutting them up can be easy… but does it deal with any of the following issues that caused the scene?

A child who pitches fits may be dealing with any of the following issues:

• Anger
• Lack of control over impulses and emotions
• Lack of gratefulness, thankfulness or contentment
• Lack of respect for parents and others

Quickly pacifying or conversely threatening a child to shut them up does not correct the behavior in the big picture. We must slow down, move past the embarrassment, back up for a moment and look at the big picture when we properly discipline our children. Our goal isn’t to teach our children to be good… it’s to help them be good children. Good behavior is a natural outcome of having a good child.

Here is a list of steps I find myself using when dealing with behavior issues in my family.

What is behind the outburst or behavior? Why has it happened?

Not every outburst is due to bad behavior. Before I run in with guns blazing I like to look and ask questions. What’s wrong? Why are we crying, screaming, spray painting graffiti or whatever? If they’re hurt or being tormented by a sibling… I don’t want to go off half cocked and end up jumping on the wrong kid for no reason.

What is the expected behavior or response I want in future instances of this event?

It helps for you to have a vision of the kind of person you want your child to become. I find myself constantly comparing my children to that standard and working to encourage behavior that leads them to it, and discouraging behavior that would lead them away. If you know what you want from them… it’s easy to know what to correct the moment you see it.

What tools can I give to help my child to behave or respond that way next time?

Kids need to know what is expected. They need to know the reasons why things are bad. If they understand, they’ll take ownership of the standards. They’ll obey the rules because they believe in them… not just because they’re forced to. This makes the difference between a child who acts good and is good.

My daughter threw trash out of the car the other day. She didn’t realize she was being bad. I wanted to modify her behavior so that next time she wouldn’t do it. I explained to her that throwing trash out was wrong. If everyone did it the world would be super messy. That trash belongs in the garbage can or recycle bin. I told her she would be punished the next time she threw trash out the window. Now she knows. Just today she saw some trash outside and told us how someone was being bad and should have thrown it in the trash. A standard I set has now become one of her own standards.

Sometimes we’ve told them, but they have chosen not to listen. They willfully lie, have a temper outburst, or refuse to do something they’re told to do. Talking is still important… but it only works after a punishment that more than fits the crime… but I think consequences are a topic for a future post.

So it’s not enough to squash out bad behavior… you’ve got to deal with the source. It’s like seeing a roach in the kitchen… you can step on him… but you also need to deal with the infestation behind the walls unless you want him to come back. So next time, take a moment, get past the stress and trauma of the situation, keep that vision in mind and help that child move in the right direction.

My birthday is tomorrow. I’ll be 36 years old. Jenn’s been asking me to make a list of what I want for two weeks or more. I haven’t gotten to it. I figured I’d to it on the blog today and see who else shares similar wants.

I’ve divided everything into three lists:

Dream List

• Large High Def TV
• Watchmen to not have nudity
• To podcast more
• Tri-Caster
• A woodworking shop
• A pinball machine
• An Icee maker
• Cintiq 21UX
• Finished Basement
• Jetski
• Pontoon Boat

Expensive List

• A PS3
• Two nice mics and one more boom stand
• An iPod Touch
• Cintiq 21UX
• Mini Fridge
• Fallout 3
• Gamefly Subscription
• Additional Monitor
• Touchstone Dock for my Pre

Cheap List

• Bag of Skittles
• Jelly Bellies
• Hammock
• Reese’s Sonic Blast
• Red Robin Hamburger
• Twizzlers

I hope to God you folks don’t think Jenn and I have a perfect marriage. We don’t. We have a few things going for us… but some days are better than others. One of the things we struggle the most with is remembering that we’re on the same team.

What does that mean exactly… to be on the same team?

1. We have the same goals.
2. We take care of one another.
3. We do not do things that hurt our teammate.
4. When a teammate is down, we fill in for them.

When someone in a marriage gets angry or frustrated it’s easy to turn that toward the other spouse. Sometimes the stronger a relationship, the more damage it can take… so the more likely we are to abuse it. It’s like hitting a pillow. It doesn’t hurt the pillow so we punch away at full blast. The only problem is even the best relationship isn’t a pillow. It’s a connection… not unlike The Corsican Brothers. They were conjoined twin brothers who were separated. From then on they could each feel what happened to the other. If they fought one another, for instance, it wouldn’t hurt the brother… it would actually hurt themselves. This is how a lack of teamwork affects a marriage.

One of us is hurting. It is taken out on the spouse. It does hurt the spouse… but not as much as it turns around and hurts us. It does this because we’re hurting the very person who is there to help us. Rather than lashing out at someone… why not share your hurt and have someone to lash out with you? That’s what teammates are for.

Jenn and I are a team. The trick is remembering that. We are for one another, not against one another. We want the same things for ourselves, one another and our families. It can be hard to let a spouse help you when you’ve forgotten they’re on your team. That’s why we have just got to let ourselves be vulnerable… blindly believing above all else that we can trust our spouse.

It’s called Faith. When faith is proven enough… it turns into Trust.

Marriage is a lifetime of ‘testing the fences for weaknesses’ like a Raptor in Jurassic Park. We find it so hard to believe we’ve found a love we can keep for a lifetime… we pick away at it to see if we can find a hole. It’s nothing we do consciously… but as we do… and find (and fill) the gaps… the love grows stronger. You find less gaps, less weakness and you can begin to trust more and more because of what you’ve gone through.

I don’t mind admitting we don’t have the perfect marriage because we have a strong one… because it’s been picked at the entire time… and it’s withstood and grown stronger as a result.

I love you Woman!. I’m on your team.

I love my son. I didn’t know if I could before I had one. I guess I had it in my mind that sons were somehow unlovable. When you have a father who doesn’t stick around… and then a step-father who pretty much hates on you the entire time he’s married to your mother… I guess feeling this way is a natural response.

He didn’t take to me right off like his older sister did at his age. He was a momma’s boy for his first year. We didn’t really bond. This only confirmed my fears that I was going to be a great father to one child… and a terrible one to my youngest. But for some reason, after that first birthday, things started to turn around. He suddenly liked his Daddy. It really helped to know that it wasn’t me. I was just pretty much useless to him for the first year!

He’s just shy of a year and a half. As his personality develops, and I’m introduced to more and more of who he’s becoming… I gotta say… he’s a cool little dude. He loves to laugh, cut up, play jokes, chase and be chased. He is obedient and eager to please. He can switch between tears and a smile almost instantly and he’s already showing signs of being a good hard-working little helper.

I still worry if I’m going to cheat him somehow. I’m never going to be the Dad that plays basketball or football with him. Hunting and fishing aren’t my thing. I don’t play golf or watch sports. I draw. I play video games. I create podcasts and blogs. Not your typical Daddy type stuff. Maybe he’ll take after me… maybe not.

I just have to believe that whether or not I can relate to him… that I’ll always be there to support him. I will provide the constancy in his family, home, discipline and love that he needs to move in the direction God has planned for him. What does the Bible say after all… “train up a child in the way he should go”. I may not do it right… but I’ll at least be doing it in the right direction.

I believe that will work just fine. I turned out okay and I never had that. I can’t wait to see what he’s capable of.

I went to college late in life. I was in my late 20’s when I started and married. It was a little annoying when class conversations would turn toward the subject of Marriage. The college kids talking about it were only guessing, but being true college students, they spoke as if their word was law. I realized a common theme amongst these Christian college students… they were all waiting for the “perfect” spouse. Every one of them had a different idea of what that was… and a different idea of how they would meet them.

They would go into detail of what this person would be like. Godly, kind, disciplined, trustworthy, faithful, etc. They had it all figured out. The only thing I ever wanted to say was:

Are you the type of person would would attract a person like that?

I specifically remember this one angry girl in one class. She was determined not to date at all until she found the “right man”. It was obvious that she was hurt in the past… and that even if the perfect man did come along… he was going to run screaming from her because of all of the baggage.

So to all the singles out there… have your dream man or woman… but make sure you’re becoming the type of person they would be attracted to. The type of person they would deserve to have. The kind of person who could give back rather than sap all of their good qualities dry.

An honest person wants someone honest.

A loving person wants someone who’s loving.

A giving person doesn’t need someone who takes.

A clean-living person doesn’t want someone with addictions.

Mentally create your ideal mate, then imagine the type of person they would want to marry. That’s the you, you need to be.

Jenn and James discuss a list of things they find funny and annoying about one another. Plus Ask Jenn questions and E-n-V-mail.

Call our new phone number and leave a message for the show 920-3GLNGLN!

Follow us on Twitter: James @nlcast, Jenn @jkennison

Though there are plenty of reasons the divorce rate of the religious is the same as the non, one of those reasons has to be the way Christians tend to over spiritualize their search for a potential mate. After being in full-time ministry for over 10 years now, I have seen enough of the effects of divorce to call this way of thinking dangerous.

Though I believe God knows who we will eventually marry, I do not believe that he chooses the person that we will spend the rest of our life with in marriage. If he did, the divorce rate would be lower for Christians. Here are some of the dangers I see in believing in the concept of “The One”.

1. It Kills Common Sense

I’ve seen well-meaning people make very stupid decisions about who they date and eventually marry because they they believe this is the person God has sent to them. Since this person already had God’s Stamp of Approval, they accept them almost blindly.

2. It Extends Bad Relationships

When a person puts this kind of pressure on a relationship it becomes necessary for the person believing to accept things they wouldn’t otherwise for fear that they will lose it. If they lose “The One”, then their chances of marital bliss is lost forever in their minds.

3. It Shuts Off God’s Will

When we decide for ourselves what God has chosen, we effectively stop listening to God in that area. Some people put God’s label on their own choices. This limits how much friends, family, spiritual leaders and even the God Himself can argue against it.

In Conclusion

Thought I don’t believe there is a “The One” out there for everyone. I do believe there are right kinds of people… but even a right type of person can change and become the wrong person. That is why it’s important to keep your God-given eyes open. Use the common sense you were given. Trust that God has great things for you… and be open to the possibility that you don’t know what those are and when they will come. Allow him to guide you every step along your path rather than deciding which direction he wants you to God and heading off without looking back.

Here’s the situation. You know how one bad comment can erase a ton compliments? How much more is that with people?

Hey, a quick question:

Would any of you be interested in purchasing prints of any of the GLN Comics you’ve seen here?

I’m considering making prints available for sale on the GLN website of comics present, past and future.

Let me know in the comments.

Update: Prints would range between $6-$9 plus shipping.

Though it was one of the hardest things I’ve done recently… I walked in after a few moments and blurted out the real issue. I felt childish, stupid, over emotional and completely unmanly… but I was honest… and it helped.

1. It gave my wife a reason for my anger.

2. It helped her understand my reaction.

3. It opened the floor for discussion.

4. It humiliated me and humility drives away anger.

This a very risky post… talking about my failures… but failing is the only way I learn. Any great advice you get from this blog, or any of our podcasts was learned in pretty much the same way… through a trial of some kind.

I’d like to get a feel for who’s reading and listening to Geek Loves Nerd.

[poll id="2"]

Results are anonymous… but feel free to leave explications or whatever in the comments.

We started off by going to dinner at the place of her choice. Then we went to various stores and purchased things I knew she would like. I already had a list… I just took her with me shopping so she could pick out exactly what she wanted. She ended up with two books, a candle and a full length mirror. I offered ice cream… but she was full from dinner.

The benefits are plenty:

• Spending time along with husband
• Kids-free time
• Shopping!!
• Guilt-free spending (I saved for it)
• No guesswork on my part

We’re still going to do the cake and presents thing for the kids. I’ll take them to Walmart and let them pick out something… but I think this is going to become a new tradition. She loved it!

Barb

That sounds a lot like what goes on in our own home. Our two have two different behavior patterns based on which parent they’re around. This seems pretty typical across the board. Kids even do this between parents and teachers for instance. I know of a few kids who are terrible at home, but are the best students a teacher could ask for. I’ve given this a lot of thought and have come to some conclusions as to why kids are different around one parent verses the other.

1. Moms and Dads provide needs differently.

In our home Mom is the primary provider of food and care. Dad is the primary provider of fun and chores. The kids don’t typically come to me when they’re hungry. They don’t typically go to Jenn when they’re wanting to be thrown up in the air or tickled. That results in a different set of behaviors automatically. Approaching Mom when they’re hungry feels and looks a lot different than coming to Dad for some fun.

2. Moms and Dads discipline differently.

In my home I tend to be the primary disciplinarian. I tend to be a bit more demanding as I expect my children to respond the first time I request something. Jennifer is a bit softer and seems more willing to put up with excess whining or complaining. Kids know which parent they can ‘get away’ with such things and which they can’t.

I don’t believe you’re ever going to get kids to act exactly the same around each parent… nor would you want the to. Kids need both types of parents and the differences they provide. I find that Jennifer and I balance one another out quite a bit. Without her influence, I would tend to be to tough and demanding. Without my help, the kids might just run all over her. That being said, there are some things that should be consistent between parents.

1. Kids Should Equally Respect Both Parents

In our home it is my job to make sure my kids understand that my wife is to be respected and obeyed as much they do me. I literally had to sit down with our daughter and explain my relationship to her Mother and how much I love her… and that treating Mommy right is more important to me than the way my daughter treated me.

2. Kids Should Equally Obey Both Parents

Moms and Dads can get more consistent obedience from their kids by establishing constant expectations, limits and consequences. Kids act differently between parents because expectations and limits are different. Face it, if you spank… Dad’s spank harder… mom’s spank more. It’s different and garners a different behavior.

Sit down with your spouse and share what works and doesn’t work about discipline in your home. Share tips and tricks that you use to get what you want from your kids. Establish minimum requirements for behavior so that you both will know when to step in and correct behavior. Set up a series of escalating consequences for bad behavior that you both will follow. When discipline is consistent, behavior is consistent.

For more information on discipline check out an 8-part mini-series I did called Proper Discipline in Children’s Ministry. It’s written for children’s ministers… but the concepts apply at home even more than in the church setting.

I’ve never been able to idolize any human being who came across as perfect. I can’t believe in something that I know isn’t real. That’s why I like my heroes to be imperfect. If they can be human… and still be awesome… that is something I can hope to achieve.

I have to believe that our children need the same type of example from us. So many times though, we parents feel that if we’re not right 100% of the time, then we lose somehow. We’re not sure what we’ll lose… but it’ll be gone and we’ll miss it and that is that!

The problem is, thinking back to my own childhood, I knew when my parents made mistakes. I made decisions, pacts, and judgments based on what I understood at the time. If they tried to gloss it over, or pretend it never happened, or even worse, make like it was right… it had the opposite effect they were hoping for. I lost respect for them and swore, once more, never to be like them.

The solution to this issue is difficult but simple. When we screw up as a parent or spouse… we need to admit it and apologize. Our kids see us when we’re acting stupid… and they need to see what happens as a result. They need to see us humble ourselves. They need an example of how to fail. We’re afraid to show weakness… but it takes guts to let it show. It takes strength to be weak.

The other day I got mad with my wife. I was loud and annoyed. Like a flash in the pan it was over… but there were my kids at the breakfast table looking at me. My daughter asked what was wrong. I told her that I got angry with Mom… but I was wrong and shouldn’t have been loud. She learned that this wasn’t acceptable or typical behavior. It wasn’t the norm… and wouldn’t be the norm. Dad was wrong and would correct the behavior. Emotional scarring averted.

It’s not the only time I have had to apologize to her. Once I was mistaken in a discipline situation. Mom had told her one thing, I didn’t know about it and told her another. Tears and confusion followed. I went to her room and told her what had happened… that she wasn’t in trouble… and that I was wrong and very sorry. You could see the hurt melt away from her eyes. Again, emotional scarring averted.

Apologizing is powerful. It sets an example. Creates accountability within the family. Helps kids see a direct link between the standards you have for them and the benefits as an adult. Mostly though, it makes you real. It turns around a negative and makes it a positive. It bonds your kids to you rather than pushing them away.

The goal with apologizing is to do it as much as necessary, but as little as possible.

I am the luckiest man on this earth. Not just because I’m with you… but because you had any interest in my at all in the first place.

You’re an amazing woman. The smartest person I know (aside from your taste in husbands). The best mother a man could hope to have for his children. Easily the cutest lady in the universe.

I live my life to please God and be worthy of you. Thanks for everything.

My only regret is that our kids don’t look more like you.

She likes the typical stuff like presents, a cake and a party or dinner but what really does it for her are the special extras that show her I care. They especially come in handy when you’re out of town on her birthday and need to do some extra just to make it seem less than normal.

Here are some ways to add a little extra to her special day.

1. Let her sleep in. This is especially important if you have children.

2. Feed the family. Three meals a day is a huge responsibility. You can’t give her a day off without taking that one over for her. The kids may not be pleased with PB & J three times in a row… but Mom will love it!

3. Make sure she owns her current top 5 favorite songs. Thanks to iTunes and the like, it’s easy to purchase a lot of good music without spending a ton on a full CD like we did back in the day. Find out what she’s listening to on the radio, interpret the sketchy description, and purchase your best guess for her.

4. Write her a list of things you love about her. Your lady doesn’t realize how much you appreciate her. You don’t appreciate her enough. Writing up a huge list of things you love and appreciate is good for both of you. See my latest list of things I love about my wife.

5. Clean out and detail her car. Maybe you do this already… then do it again… and make it smell really good!

6. Clean her house and do the dishes. Do an extra good job. Pull the sofa away from the wall. Move the TV. Vacuum and dust like mad. Get the kids involved. Light a new Yankee Candle you picked up to make it even better.

7. Candles, novels or movies. Chances are your wife is in to one or more of those three things. Buy some. What candles does she have that are low? She wants a new one. What movies has she seen and enjoyed? Pick up a copy. Find her favorite authors and see if they’ve written anything new. You can’t lose.

8. Ask the kids what they appreciate about their Mom. Help them make a card and write it out for them (unless they’re big enough to do it themselves).

9. Massages. Buy some massage oil to make it even better (and easier on your hands).

10. Write up a book of coupons that they can cash in later for child care, breakfast in bed, sleeping in, etc. Let the giving continue way past the birthday. Make more than one of each!

11. Have a birthday message read from her favorite podcast! Half joking… but really, it’s an idea. You can sponsor an episode of Geek Loves Nerd and we’ll dedicate the entire show to her… and read a message just from you!

In every situation I’ve been asking myself this question to help me be better at putting my wife’s needs above my own:

What do I want? Give that to her!

Simple… but very hard to do. For instance… we’re going out to eat. I have a place I want to go to… so does she… but they’re not the same place. I can fight for what I want… or I can give her what I want. It’s different than giving in… or losing. It’s a chance for us to willingly provide for the other person what we want ourselves.

I hear this giving thing comes back around. Plant a good seed and good things grow. I’m looking forward to that.

What do you do to help from being to selfish in your relationship? Post your thoughts in the comments.

Accountability on the Internet is important whether you’re married or not… but for those of us who are hitched… it’s not just important, it’s all but mandatory. For the married person, accountability is easy. You’ve got a built-in accountability partner!

If I ever screw up my marriage… I want it to be for something half-way worthwhile… not some stupid internet stunt. That’s why I let my wife have full access to my online life. I have no secrets online. Here’s some of my suggestions:

I believe it’s very important for your spouse to know what you’re doing online.

I’m not saying they need to be checking your browsing history every moment of the day… but they should be able to any time they wish.

Your spouse should be able to access your email account.

Does your wife or husband have your password? Mine does. I don’t think she’s ever used it… but she could if she wanted to.

Your spouse should be able to get all up in your cell phone.

This includes photos, call history, chat, email messages. My phone is not locked. Jenn can see anything she wants. I have nothing to hide… except for bad spelling in text messages.

If something weird happens, your spouse should be told.

Did you click on something in Facebook that launched one thousand dirty pop-ups? Did a friend send a seedy image? Did an over zealous female try to start someone online? Delete it or stop it and share it with your spouse.

The computer should be in a high-traffic area.

It’s hard to get into trouble online if you aren’t alone with the internets.

Don’t chat.

Visiting random chatrooms is not a great idea for anyone honestly… but especially married people. That’s why I like Twitter. You can talk to folks… but it’s public. Even private messages are archived. I’ve been known to chat back and forth with co-workers and friends using Google Chat… but that keeps a written record of every chat that my wife could scan at anytime. I just don’t believe it’s a good idea to use software that allows for random connections in a one-on-one situation.

Now it’s easier than ever to call America’s Favorite Podcast (that’s hosted by James and Jenn Kennison)…

920-3GLNGLN

or (920) 345-6456

GLN = Geek Loves Nerd… see! Told you it was easy!

Call us right now with feedback, a comment, an Ask Jenn question or topic idea!

Geek Loves Nerd is a fun show with the best co-host known to man… but there are some really excellent shows done by married couples that you should check out if you haven’t already. These shows range from G to PG-13 rating. Some are done by Christian people, others are not… but they are all worth a listen.

If you have other great couple’s casts that you’d like to share, drop a note in the comments below.

If you do end up enjoying the mess out of one of these shows… make sure to tell ‘em where you heard about ‘em!

Great Couple’s Podcasts:

Family From The Heart – iTunes, RSS

Jawbone Radio – iTunes, RSS

Jenn & DAVe Show – iTunes, RSS

Monster Cookies – iTunes, RSS

Two Blind Squirrels – iTunes, RSS

Redboy Podcast – iTunes, RSS

What dinner do you find easiest to serve your family that also makes them very happy?
- Julia

My favorite dinner to serve and eat is spaghetti. I make thin spaghetti, Ragu Chunky Mushroom sauce with meat, bread and sometimes salad. All of us love it, and I can make it in about 20 minutes. I would love to make it every night!

I would love to hear your family’s favorite dinners. I am always looking for new dinner ideas. Post you comments below!

Do you have a question? Email it in now!

She’s explaining the drawing to me… It’s a dog. Then she draws this scribble around him and get this stern look… “He got Froze!!” After my shocked response… she smiles and lets me off the hook.

I can’t wait to watch this girlie grow up and see what she becomes.

I recently found a great Social Networking site created just for Parents like you to connect to other parents.

From ParentUnity.org: “We hope to create a renewed sense of community centered around parenting and family.”

ParentUnity is a completely free website. It is a real resource for parents who are trying to get their kids to a better place than they were.

Check it out, get an account and add me as a friend: http://www.parentunity.org/profile/JamesKennison

ParentUnity.org

Visit parentunity

We recently updated the entire website. I hope you enjoy the sleeker, brighter, improved version of GeekLovesNerd.com!

Note the dual columns featuring both blog posts and podcasts. This is a feature I’ve wanted in a theme for a long time. I finally learned enough CSS to code it myself. This is a functionality I’d love to build into the new theme over at nlcast.com as well.

I’ve also featured the Categories in their own secondary toolbar. This will allow quick and easy access to exactly the info you’re looking for.

If you’re looking for any of the old menu items that aren’t on the main menu… hover your mouse over the About button. Most of them are tucked into there.

How do you feel about letting your kids join sports that are known for being extreme or hard contact sports, like football, bmx, skateboarding, and other various sports?
- Laurel

This is something we have not dealt with yet with our kids since our kids are still too young to participate in these types of sports. So, I may think differently when my baby boy is the one in this situation. I don’t have a problem with these sports if they are played or practiced with lots of safety gear and adult supervision. I want my son to play football. And, if he had the interest I would probably allow him to try some of the other “extreme” sports with lots of safety gear and the full knowledge that the minute he did not follow the rules, he would no longer be participating. I want my kids to try out a lot of different activities and sports, but I don’t think I go out of my way to encourage some of the more dangerous sports.

The world’s been turned on it’s ear it seems. The economy is jacked to heck, celebs are dying by the boat load, folks are losing their jobs and home budgets are being shrunken. Is ‘shrunken’ a word? It is today!

With all of this constantly staring you in the face, it’s easy to get overwhelmed by it all. Here are some things I’ve come to that help me through it.

I can be concerned, but not worried.

I can’t ignore the obvious… but I can’t control it either. Concern allows me to face things realistically and think clearly enough to consider solutions. Worry, on the other hand, assumes that I have some kind of control… but keeps me from thinking clearly at all.

I will be thankful… as in full of thanks.

At my church they say, “God is good, all the time… All the time, God is good”. Though it does get old sometimes, it is no less true. Every good gift comes from God. Being full of thanks, and giving thanks, keeps you focused on the things that aren’t going wrong in your life. So often the things that are going easy are taken for granted because the things that are going wrong demand our attention. Thankfulness will help you remember how much in your life is good.

It will not affect my relationship with my spouse.

No matter how much we struggle financially, why in the world should it affect our marriage? If we’re on the same team and have the same goals… there is no reason. Let’s say the worst happens. My salary is severely cut… or I’m laid off. We become poorer, have to sell our home, forced to move and find work… if we’re on the same team with the same goals, these things should serve to bind us closer together… not become a source of contention and strife between us. Plus, we have small children… what do we want to teach them about how married couples handle life’s drama?

God has a plan.

Not everything in this world is in God’s control. He allows people to make their own choices… good and bad. So his Will is rarely actually done… but I take great pleasure in knowing that God does always have a plan. Take the Garden of Eden. It wasn’t God’s will for Adam and Eve to sin and leave the Garden… but he did have a plan to get them back after they left by sending his Son Jesus thousands of years later. In my own life, I’ve even seen Him use my mistakes in my own favor. It comes from having a heart that truly wants to follow God’s will. The Bible says it this way: “…we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.” It also says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and not on what you know. Acknowledge him with everything you do and he will make the way obvious.”

This time around we get a good solid half-hour of the 4.5 year old wonder child talking about everything from Stapes and Strinks to Zombie Games and Nice Cats.

Try GotoMeeting free for 30 days! For this special offer, visit www.gotomeeting.com/podcasts

I figured that today I should share the podcasts I’m listening to:

chicken pop pod – Pop culture past and present.

Children’s Ministry Monthly – The practical children’s ministry podcast.

Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History – A great show sharing history, but old as a story.

GOK: Gospel of Kennison – My audio journal.

Jawbone Radio – An excellent and entertaining couple’s cast.

JDAZE Podcast – A clean comedy show telling stories, news and other fun stuff.

The Jesus Geek – Tech, news and how-to’s for the connected Christian.

Mike Thinks News – Current news in science, tech, the internet and culture… plus a healthy slathering of personal opinions.

Nobody’s Listening Podcast – Telling funny life stories and inviting you to do the same.

Retroist Podcast – Retro culture, nostalgia, humor and fun. This guy is very good at what he does.

WBR Show – Random Humor, Current Events, Pop Culture. Your Mom.

Subscribe and enjoy all of these shows… and when you do, tell um who sent ya!

My wife and I have been podcasting together since 2007. I won’t get into the details of how to get your wife to podcast because this article is an open call to every couple out there: YOU SHOULD BE PODCASTING!

Obviously podcasting is a fancy word for recording an audio file, turning it into an mp3 and uploading it on the internet. I’ve written several podcast how-to articles on how to start your own show and how I podcast myself. Check them out if you’re looking for some tips.

In our context podcasting becomes an audio timeline of events in your family. Sure we have scrapbooks full of photos… but photos can’t remind you of the weekly events, funny things someone said, little stories that you might forget. Photos can’t capture the voice of your children, the tone of your spouse’s voice. Podcasts can do all of this.

Podcasting, when done correctly, can also serve to bond your family together. Whether you podcast with just a spouse or your entire family, this is a regular event that stands to connect you almost as much as dinner time… but with more lasting effects.

Even if you go through all the work to record, upload, set up the feed and all of the things necessary to do a show… and no one listens… who cares! This is something your family will cherish for years.

Ready to give it a shot? Here are some places to start:

• How I Podcast
• My Podast Setup: Home Edition
• How I Podcast 2009 Version
• How To Get Your Podcast Online
• 6 tips For Starting A Hobby Podcast
• 7 Ways To Convince Your Wife To Podcast
• 50 Podcast Resources I Use Every Week

If you end up getting a custom URl (like nlcast.com) consider using GoDaddy.com and the code podname121 to save a few bucks!

After many months of nagging on my part, Jennifer, co-host of the popular marriage advice podcast, Geek Loves Nerd, has decided to start blogging. Her contribution?

We’ve always had an “Ask Jenn” segment on the podcast. The only downside to it is that listeners had to wait a week or maybe more to get the answer to their question. Starting Monday, Jenn’s going to be responding  to these questions right here on the website.

Jennifer will answer questions about parenting, marriage, hobbies, or whatever you can throw at her.

Email such things to geeklovesnerd@gmail.com

In case you missed anything. Here are this week’s post in order of popularity:

The Foolish Farmer (To Get Love, Give Love)
There was once a Farmer. A foolish man indeed.
He was angry at his crops for staying in their seeds.
He needed food so badly; himself, his wife, and daughter.
The plants refused to grow so he refused them any water.
– James Kennison

Selflessness: The Key TO Fulfillment in Marriage
Most folks will tell you that in a marriage each person has got to give, 50/50. Though it does take two to make it work… true love actually means each person is giving 100% of themselves to the other, independent of what they may or may not receive in return. It is only through selflessness that both are truly fulfilled.

A Selfless Marriage Trains Your Children
One of the greatest benefits of selflessness in a marriage is the example it gives to others. When those others are living in the house with you, share your last name, and look like the both of you (aka your children) the impression is far greater than we can imagine.

Sacrificial Love
I’m learning more and more that getting along with a spouse is less about compromise and more about sacrifice. Compromise means neither person really gets what they want or need from the situation. The goal is to keep the peace and make the issue go away. Sacrifice means someone is giving up what is good for them for the good of the other. Ouch.

Podcast: Show 50 – Our 13th Anniversary
Join Jenn and James on their 13th Anniversary Date… plus a special guest.

Follow us on Twitter: @nlcast & @jkennison

Join Jenn and James on their 13th Anniversary Date… plus a special guest.

One of the greatest benefits of selflessness in a marriage is the example it gives to others. When those others are living in the house with you, share your last name, and look like the both of you (aka your children) the impression is far greater than we can imagine.

Here’s a fact. Children will grow up, and if they marry, they will choose someone exactly like their father (boys) or mother (girls). I have seen this trend almost without exception. Even in the case where the father was absent. I blame traits passed on from mother to daughter in that case. If mom picked badly, daughter will learn that from mom.

If we want our kids to have a great marriage, we’ve got to model it for them. Dads… want your daughter to choose a great guy? Be a great man! What your son to learn how to treat his wife? Model that behavior by treating his mother with respect (and demanding he do the same).

Seems like a lot of work. Not really. If we can focus on being selfless, sacrificial spouses, as the Bible says, “All these things will be added unto you.” Being a great natural example is a side-effect of a great marriage.

Men, when we love our wives properly, we’re teaching our sons how to do it and our daughters what to demand. Wives, when you love your husband properly you’re teaching your sons that inner goodness is rewarded, not an outward image and your daughters that a lasting love is the only thing worth giving herself to.

Comments? Feedback? Is anyone even reading this crizzle? Leave a comment for the love!

I’m learning more and more that getting along with a spouse is less about compromise and more about sacrifice. Compromise means neither person really gets what they want or need from the situation. The goal is to keep the peace and make the issue go away. Sacrifice means someone is giving up what is good for them for the good of the other. Ouch.

Compromise happens when both are to selfish to give the other what they want. The result is no one is happy. No one has their needs met completely and the marriage begins a downward spiral where both spouses are passively positioning themselves to recover lost emotional resources.

Sacrifice means that someone in the relationship has got to be the most willing to stuffer for the other’s good. I’m not talking about a spineless person who always gives in and hates it the entire time. Sacrifice is willingly and lovingly giving up your rights… and that changes everything.

In the Bible the concept of sacrifice is perfectly summarized, “I will not sacrifice to the Lord that which costs me nothing”. Sacrifice isn’t sacrificial unless it costs. When it’s done right, it’s one of the ultimate displays of love.

Not all sacrifices are huge. The little ones are often the most hard to do anyway. Going to Panera with the wife instead of dragging her to Red Robin. Taking the kids on the weekend mornings so she can sleep in. Doing more than your share of housework.

Another concept I’d like to expose you to, “You can’t out-give God”. The idea is that you can never go wrong giving time, finances, etc to God because He is always giving beyond what we could ever repay. I think wives are the same way. I know for a fact that I can’t out-give Jenn. My sacrifices pale in comparison to the things she has given up over the years to make our family work. Not to mention the daily sacrifices. Countless. I owe her my best. I will love sacrificially.

There was once a Farmer. A foolish man indeed.
He was angry at his crops for staying in their seeds.
He needed food so badly; himself, his wife, and daughter.
The plants refused to grow so he refused them any water.
– James Kennison

I wrote that up to illustrate how the Golden Rule applies to marriage. Firstly, what is the Golden Rule? Do to others what you would have them do to you. Or you could say, treat others how you want to be treated. In the context of marriage you’d say, love your spouse the way you want them to love you.

How many spouses who need to be loved by a husband or wife are like that Farmer? Like the Farmer wants food from a plant he won’t water, they hold back their love and will only give it on the condition that their spouse loves them first. Our goal may be to show a spouse it feels… to give them a taste of their own medicine… but in doing so we’re actually robbing them of the resources they need to even consider giving love in the first place.

If you’ve been holding back hoping to show a souse how it feels… consider changing your tactic and incorporating the Golden Rule into your relationship. Give before it’s given. Treat the other how they should be treating you. Love them how you want to be loved by them. It’ll take time to see the results, just like a seed takes time to grow and produce fruit. Just don’t expect fruit from a seed you won’t water.

Most folks will tell you that in a marriage each person has got to give, 50/50. Though it does take two to make it work… true love actually means each person is giving 100% of themselves to the other, independent of what they may or may not receive in return. It is only through selflessness that both are truly fulfilled.

So many marriages today fail because we expect our spouse to fill a void in our lives… to make us happy… and we then hate them when they don’t or can’t. The marriage was doomed for failure from very the beginning because we weren’t going into it to give our love… but to receive it.

There’s a timeless principal in the universe: It is more blessed to give than to receive. It is one of the last undisputed truths in the world. It holds true both on Christmas morning and in our marriages. Fulfillment doesn’t come from getting what you need… but in giving what you are to someone else. Because in giving ourselves completely, we by default open ourselves up, showing who we are and where are true needs are. And because we are giving selflessly, it sparks the same response in them (eventually) and our needs are met by default.

We’re really just talking about unconditional love here. One of the most impossible things for a human to give in life… but one of the only things that will keep a marriage thriving. We’re afraid to give it because all to often it is abused before it is appreciated. It’s abused because it must be tested. And tested before it can be trusted. Hang in there. Give love to your spouse unconditionally and it will do it’s work. True love never fails.

But what about my needs? Give and it will be given to you. Do for others and it will be done for you. Meet their needs and your needs will be met. Any other way leads to complete misery.

10 Ways To Do Father’s Day Right

Father’s Day is coming up. It’s got to be one of the most downplayed events of the year. The role of the father has been devalued in our culture to the point that virtually no one feels it’s an occasion worth celebrating at all…

25 Random Things I Love About My Wife
Let’s start a new meme… one that will actually do some good. I loved “25 Random Things About Me” as much as the next guy… but what could be better than bragging on our spouses?

Parenting Is Setting The Example, And Scary
A wise man once said, “At first a kid will do what you say… but then they’ll do what you do.” A scary thought huh. It means that properly raising your child is more than modifying bad habits and behaviors in your child… it’s also becoming the person you want you child to become yourself.

Show 48 – How To Fight With Your Spouse
A conversation about fighting and arguing. Helpful tips to keep both of you from killing each other.

Show 49 – About Debt
Let’s talk about debt baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things debt can be. Let’s talk about debt. Let’s talk about debt.

The other day someone asked me via Twitter for a list of video games that Jenn and I have played together. There’s nothing like bonding over video games!

Wii

• Guitar Hero III
• Boom Blox
• Wii Sports

XBox 360

• Rock Band II
• Peggle
• Castle Crashers
• Fable II
• Lego Batman

Do you have any excellent 2 player, wife-friendly games to add to the list? Post them in the comments.

Let’s talk about debt baby. Let’s talk about you and me. Let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things debt can be. Let’s talk about debt. Let’s talk about debt.